So how's that working out for you Diana?

I was raving to my girlfriend about God Women and Food, about how wonderful it is to not be consumed by thoughts of food. I eat when I'm hungry, which is a really new concept for me. I eat what I want, and surprisingly I don't crave sweets. I eat healthy food, and I don't weigh or measure my portions.

As I'm telling my girlfriend how great this is and how free I feel, she asked the inevitable question, so how's that working out for weight loss? The honest answer to that question is that it's not working out at all for weight loss.

I've been home for four days. I'm still on vacation if you call cleaning house, doing mounds of laundry, vet visits, and a Costco run and grocery shopping a vacation.

I've been eating pretty much when and what I want, including handfuls of Thai Curry Cashews that I discovered in the bulk foods in the "nutritional" food center at Fred Meyers. My recommendation is to stay away from those things because they are addictive (and full of calories and fat).

Here's the strange thing. My weight on Monday morning after nine days of eating out, desserts and really eating what I wanted, was 173 pounds (up seven pounds). My weight this morning is still 173.

Now that would be a wonderful thing IF I was at goal. I am NOT at my goal weight.

My conclusion is probably pretty obvious to anyone reading this. Although the theory of eating when you're hungry and eating what you want sounds really good, it's not really working out for me. I want to LOSE weight, not maintain my weight and especially not at 173.

I'm not giving up on Geneen's ideas in Women Food and God because I think they're valid and most of them can work for me, I just have to be a little more restrictive in order to lose weight. I don't plan on torturing myself with a strict 100% on plan "diet" or starving myself. I do plan on going back to counting Points, starting today.

It's also back to the gym six days a week since that seems to work out best for me. I've been going every other day this week and it makes me feel lazy and like I'm cheating. When I work out really hard I want to eat better (no cashews).

I'm on Chapter ten of Women Food and God, The GPS from the Twilight Zone. This is the chapter where she talks about The Voice. I really like this chapter so far. Here's an excerpt from pages 130-131:

The Voice feels and sounds so much like you that you believe it is you. You think you are telling yourself the truth. And you are utterly convinced that without The Voice as your conscience, your wild and unruly tendencies would run amok.

Let's take an example that probably occurs with alarming frequency, possibly many times a day. You are humming along with your morning routine when you try on an old pair of pants. Uh-oh. You can't get your right leg into the designated hole.The hole that just last year was already a size bigger than the year before. The Voice says, Look at you! You are pathetic! Your thighs are the size of the Rocky Mountains. You look down at the appendages in question. Hmm, you think, my thighs really are taking over my body, the living room, the neighborhood. The Voice says, You should be ashamed of yourself! You agree. You think, I am ashamed of myself, look how I've let myself go. The Voices says, Bad bad bad. You think, Bad thighs, Bad me.

A few minutes later you notice that you feel as if you've been vaporized. In the space that you once occupied there is a ghostly dread and a vague feeling of being needy, weak and fat. Within minutes, you've ricocheted into feeling as if your life is not worth anything.

Yet.

Nothing--not one thing--has changed since earlier this morning when you felt spunky, feisty, irreverent. The objective fact is that you can't fit into your pants. The reality is that you've gained weight in the last few months. But why should gaining weight have the power to devastate every last shred of your well-being? Why can't you realize you've gained weight and make some decisions about how to proceed with some degree of wisdom and self-worth?

Sound familiar? It's like a chapter taken right out of my life that I've repeated over and over for decades. Geneen continues on with how to deal with the voice. I'm only half-way through this chapter, but so far, it's one of my favorites.

Alcohol and Weight Loss

Here is the very fit Scooby guy, age 49, who lectures us about how much alcohol can hinder your effort to lose weight, get fit, and build a ripped body. He's funny, check him out;

A note

I wanted to share an absolutely wonderful new recipe we happened to create, but I realized it is so simple, that a picture would have to be included.  I plan on making it tomorrow and will report then.  :o)

New Articles from LivingAfterWLS

Three Red Flag Warnings Leading to Weight Gain After Bariatric Surgery
Before undergoing bariatric surgery for weight loss it is hard to imagine that we could possibly ever become one of "those people" who gain weight after losing it with the help of surgery. Sadly, at some point most patients who have gastric surgery as their last hope for weight loss eventually regain some weight back. It can

Freedom from myself

For as long as I can remember I've felt like I was trapped in a body I hated. Over the years I've constantly berated everything about myself, from my fat thighs, flabby upper arms, saggy stomach, hair that's always too blond or not blond enough or too long or too short, and the many imperfections of my face, always too fat or too thin, too long, not pretty enough. Nothing could escape my critical eye. Basically, my entire self was flawed regardless of how I tried to fix it.

Recently I've been reading Women Food and God bye Geneen Roth. I won't say it's changed my life but it has certainly given me a lot to think about. She tells the story of when she "lost her face". Basically, she had a severe allergic reaction during the second day of a six-day retreat. Her face became extremely swollen and almost unrecognizable. She thought it was the end of the world. It wasn't. People hardly even noticed. She was still the same person, even though she lost her face for a few days. It really didn't make any difference in who she was or how people saw her.

I've constantly criticized myself with The Voice (again, from the book). This is  my own highly critical devil that lives inside of me, that's always yelling at me that everything about me is bad or broken or just wrong. The Voice tells me I'm fat and ugly and how could anyone possibly love me. The voice. It's time to shut it up.

It's like I've been released from myself. I realize that sounds slightly schizophrenic, but it's exactly how I feel. I feel like it's okay to just be me, flaws and all. Even if I lost my face, I'd be okay.

Getting back into the swing of things
Exercise. It's so hard to get back into the workout routine after ten days of vacation and only three workouts (with my sister at her gym in Fairbanks which has the coolest cardio equipment). I blew off exercising yesterday. First full day back from vacation, the house needed a thorough cleaning, I was tired, and blah blah blah. I was full of excuses for skipping the gym. Surprisingly, I talked myself into not going.

Today was almost a repeat of yesterday. Suitcases still packed, laundry to the ceiling (well, almost), house still dirty, and I was still tired. Yet I told myself exercising really isn't an optional task. Just like doing laundry, even though I don't really like it, it has to be done.

It was 80 degrees in the shade when I took off on my bike at 4pm. I was heading to the gym. The ride, round-trip, is only 9 miles, but there are lots of hills. It was absolutely perfect bike riding weather. With the sun at my back and the wind in my face, it couldn't have been better.

My maximum heart rate was 156. I did seven upper body exercises at the gym, three sets each. It was ridiculously hot in the gym (it felt like a sauna). With the 50-minute bike ride and 45 minutes of weight training, I burned 637 calories. Not bad.

The food
Being conscious of what I'm eating is entirely new for me. I'm use to eating in front of the TV or eating standing up. Sitting at the dining table while I eat, without a TV or a magazine or book is difficult. I'm starting to actually taste my food. Although I still enjoy eating, it turns out I don't really love food as much as I thought. I've always said it's not my fault that I'm fat, food just tastes good.

Sure it tastes good, but it's kind of boring just sitting there eating, tasting each bite. Being conscious of my food. Sometimes I eat alone, sometimes with my husband. Either way, slowly eating food with no distractions sort of seems like a waste of time.

Conscious eating is a new mindset for me, one I'm still trying to grasp.

Understanding Ketosis in the WLS Diet

By Kaye Bailey

Often when we hear about a diet that puts the body in a state of ketosis we are fearful having heard that ketosis is a potentially dangerous imbalance of blood glucose, the result of a low carbohydrate, high fat high protein diet. Ketosis results when the body switches from burning glucose for energy to burning ketones for energy. Glucose comes from carbohydrates which are the

It's Not About the Weight, but It's Not Not About the Weight.

I'm reading Geneen Roth's book, Women Food and God. After giving it a bad review without even reading it (just from what I saw on the Oprah interview), I picked up a copy before my trip to Fairbanks. I decided I wasn't being fair since I hadn't read the book and only caught 30 minutes of the Oprah-Geneen interview.

I'm on chapter five of the book and so far, I'm impressed. In fact, I'm so impressed I signed up for the Geneen Roth two-day workshop on October 8-9 in Seattle. Grace will be attending too, and I'm super excited to meet her (forget Geneen, I get to meet Grace!).

Women Food And God

An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything

with Geneen Roth

Holiday Inn Seattle SeaTac Airport

This is just down the street from my office so I don't even have to drive into the city, an added bonus.

If you want to sign up for the workshop, here's the  link:

 http://geneenroth.com/events_and_appearances.html.

Also, if you go to this link, there's a popup where you can sign up to get a free chapter from the book, Women Food And God, emailed to you. I signed up for it myself and was sent the free chapter, and it's chapter four, the best chapter I've read so far. I'm on chapter five, but chapter four was the one that really hit home with me.

The one paragraph that that's really struck me is in chapter four, page 52:

The bottom line, whether you weigh 340 pounds or 150 pounds, is that when you eat when you are not hungry, you are using food as a drug, grappling with boredom or illness or loss or grief or emptiness or loneliness or rejection. Food is only the middleman, the means to the end. Of altering your emotions. Of making yourself numb. Of creating a secondary problem when the original problem becomes too uncomfortable. Of dying slowly rather than coming to terms with your messy, magnificent and very, very short--even at a hundred years old--life. The means to these ends happens to be food, but it could be alcohol, it could be work, it could be sex, it could be cocaine.

I could practically quote the entire first five chapters of the book. I've highlighted and underlined many sentences and paragraphs because it seems like she's speaking about me. It seems the key is finding out the issue and facing it, not necessarily fixing it. This is a new concept to me. I know my issues but I thought I had to fix them, which seemed insurmountable. Geneen says we're not broken, and we don't need to be fixed, we just need to face the issues and feel the pain. It won't kill us. A very difficult thing to do. It's so much easier to run away from it, compulsive overeat and let weight become the primary issue.

Strangely, this book is giving me a sense of peace about my weight. I don't feel as freaked out about coming back from vacation and having gained six pounds in nine days.

When I stepped on the scales this morning, my first morning back home, I looked into the mirror first and told myself regardless of what the scale said it didn't make me a bad person. It didn't make me lazy or stupid or ugly. It didn't define me. I weighed, and I'm 173 pounds.

Yes, I'm up a few pounds, but considering I ate cookies, candy, and a lot of meals at restaurants, and I barely exercised (three gym visits and a few walks in nine days), the gain was expected. I'm surprisingly not upset, not shaming myself, not doing the negative talk that "I'm a fat, lazy, stupid pig and why did I do this to myself?"

Perhaps if I'd read more of the book while I was on vacation, the results might have been different, but I accept me as I am now.

One more quote from the book that had a profound impact on me, chapter four, page 53. I wish I'd read this before my vacation. :)

Sometimes people will say, "But I just like the taste of food. In fact, I love the taste! Why can't it be that simple? I overeat because I like food."

But.

When you like something, you pay attention to it. When you like something--love something--you take time with it. You want to be present for every second of the rapture.

Overeating does not lead to rapture. It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can think of anything but how full you are. That's not love; that's suffering.

Weight (too much or too little) is a by-product. Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life. Even with aching joints, it's not about food. Even with arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure. It's about your desire to flatten you life. It's about the fact that you've given up without saying so. It's about your belief that it's not possible to live any other way--and you're using food to act that out without ever having to admit it.

I highly recommend this book, Food God and Women, and will be periodically writing about it as I continue reading.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The vacation

I had a great time in Fairbanks. Nine days with my family was bliss. I'm very fortunate that I have such a wonderful family. They're people I'd hang out with even if I wasn't related to them.

They're not perfect by any means (neither am I), and we have dysfunctional things just like anyone else, even some Jerry Springer shows could be made on some of it, but for the most part, they're awesome.

A few pictures from my trip (out of order, but I'm too lazy/tired to rearrange them).

Mt. McKinley or Denali (as they call it now). From the plane window flying to Fairbanks.

 Fairbanks, from the plane window. I actually stayed at my sister's place, 30 miles from town. But this is the town where I went to high school and college. I grew up closer to Shaw Creek, 80 miles south of Fairbanks.

My sister and I by the gravel pit where we go swimming. It was only warm enough one day to swim, 72 degrees. It was a very cold July this year.

My brother, Jerry, on our 4-wheeler trip to Shaw Creek flats, down the Alyeska Pipeline Road.

My brother, his wife and Goldie, the Alaskan Pomeranian. Sweetest dog ever.

Moose in the field next door to my sister's 400 acres, Eielson Farm Road.

My great niece, Joanna, and her daughter, my grand niece, Layla. Sweetest and smartest two-year old I've ever met. And she lovesme. :)

On our 4-wheeling trip, next to the pipeline.

Me in the rain. Official army rain poncho ($50), best investment I ever made. Kept me dry and warm.

More pipeline.

Trumpeter Swans, living on a little island in the middle of a lake. There were actually four adults and babies, but I couldn't get close enough to get good pictures.

A bull moose that ran out from a lake and then took off under the pipeline on the other side of the road. He had sense enough to duck down when going under the pipeline. Proof that the wildlife are doing just fine with the pipeline. We saw nine moose that day, cows, baby moose, and bulls.

Me and my niece Linda.

Osprey nest. I have pictures of the Osprey, but he or she wouldn't pose for me so not very good pictures. It did scream at us while we were taking pictures. Huge bird, with probably about a 10 to 12 foot wingspan.

Going up a very steep hill on the 4-wheelers. My 72-year old sister was driving. She's owned 4-wheelers for years she's never driven one. It was her first time. Even though my brother told us to be sure to be in 4-wheel drive he forgot to put his rig in 4W drive so he got stuck. We had to back all the way down this hill. I was sure the thing was going to flip over backwards and we were all going to die. Scary but fun times. :)

Parkour Visions Summit and Talk

On August 13-15th, my friends Rafe Kelley and Tyson Cecka are hosting a parkour summit at their Seattle gym Parkour Visions. For those of you not familiar with the sport, here's a description from the Parkour Visions site:

"The essence of Parkour can be stated simply: it is the art of overcoming obstacles as swiftly and efficiently as possible using only your body. The fundamentals include running, jumping, and climbing, and we build on these fundamentals to improve our ability to pass over, under, around and through obstacles with more complex movements. Parkour is a system of fitness training that improves strength, speed, agility, co-ordination, stamina, endurance, and precision. It offers a full-body workout at any level of experience, and improves your ability to move, to harness your confidence, to change how you see the world. Parkour practitioners are called traceurs."

The summit will include seminars on strength training, injury prevention and rehab, and nutrition, as well as parkour jams, a roundtable and a dinner. I'll be giving a talk titled "Natural Eating for Sustainable Athletic Performance" on Saturday, August 14 from noon to 1:00 pm.

Registration is $40 for the whole summit. You can read a description of it here, and find a link to the registration system at the bottom of this page.

Campechana (Mexican Shrimp Cocktail)

After eating a week full of vegetables, which are so very delicious and good for you, Ben and I were craving something Mexican. We had a favorite local Mexican restaurant that we use to frequent specifically to eat this because they made it so well. When they closed shop, we found that no one else makes it as good so I was thrilled when I saw this on allrecipes.com It's just as good and you can save money by making it at home.

Wanting to save money by eat in, we decided to make this last night.  The shrimp all together cost about $10 and by the time you add the rest of the items, you'll be pushing $20 (unless you already have some of the items already in the fridge).  So for $20, Ben and I had large bowls of this, which is beyond filling, and we will also have the remainder today for lunch.  That's $5 a serving.

It's also low in fat and high in flavor.  Believe me when I say you will crave this once you have had it.

**Various pictures (including this one), nutrition information and the recipe can be found HERE.

Ingredients

• 2 pounds cooked shrimp, peeled and deveined
• 1 tablespoon crushed garlic
• 1/2 cup finely chopped red onion
• 1/4 cup fresh cilantro, chopped
• 1 1/2 cups tomato and clam juice cocktail
• 1/4 cup ketchup
• 1/4 cup fresh lime juice
• 1 teaspoon hot pepper sauce, or to taste
• 1/4 cup prepared horseradish
• salt to taste
• 1 ripe avocado - peeled, pitted and chopped

Directions

1. Place the shrimp in a large bowl. Stir garlic, red onion, and cilantro. Mix in tomato and clam juice cocktail, ketchup, lime juice, hot pepper sauce, and horseradish. Season with salt. Gently stir in avocado. Cover, and refrigerate 2 to 3 hours. Serve in one large bowl or ladle into individual bowls.

Zucchini

For those who grow gardens, it's that time of year when you start seeing a lot of zucchini.  We have learned the biggest thing you can do to prevent zucchini overload is to keep ahead of it.  The best way to do that? 

DON'T LET THEM GET BIG!  

Check your plants daily and pick them while they are small, about an 1 1/2" - 2"  in diameter.  I have never seen anything grow as fast as a zucchini and if you miss a day, WATCH OUT!  I have gone to bed with small zucchinis on the vine only to find big boats by lunch the next day.  Don't believe me?  Grow some zucchini and you'll see for yourself.

Another thing we are doing this year is to get creative with it.  Often we get sick of them, quickly.  This is easy to do if you only make one thing with them.  So if you only have that favorite zucchini dish you make over and over again in vain efforts to get through your surplus, you need to get out there and research new recipes. A new recipe I'm going to try is: Zookies  (Highly recommended by a fellow zucchini growing gal: Michal)

A wonderful thing about this vegetable is that it's versatile.  Just the other day I had them for breakfast, lunch, dinner & dessert and I'm not even sick of them.  Why?  Because we got creative in our cooking this year. They can be a main part of the meal as in Zucchini Scramble (recipe below) or as a filler in pretty much everything else.  The other night, my hubby chopped them up super fine and snuck them into our Sloppy Joes.  He felt so sneaky and he reveled in the deception.  The kids didn't notice until almost the end of the meal when they saw yellow chunks.  Had he stuck with the green zucchinis, no one may have guessed.

The last and marvelous thing about zucchini is that they are filling.  You can stretch any recipe with zucchini.  Adding greens and fiber will help you feel full after eating.  This means, less calories while feeling full.  Can't argue with that when you are trying to shed some pounds.

Zucchini Scramble

(This is a recipe I have been enjoying a lot lately)

3,4,5 Zucchinis, shredded (use as many as you want to eat at the meal)

3-4 Eggs
 Montery Jack cheese, shredded

Olive Oil

Season to taste (I use salt,pepper, coriander and pepper flakes)

I don't have any measurements because this is the type of recipe where you literally just throw it into the pan and "eye ball" it.

• Warm up olive oil in fry pan.  
• Shred the zucchini using a cheese grater and cook until done.  (As the water cooks out of the zucchini, the amount will shrink.  Use more zucchini then you think you'll eat.)
• Add the eggs and scramble together until eggs are done. 
• Season the scramble
• Top with grated cheese and turn off heat.  When cheese is melted it's time to dish up.

In case you are still wondering about my zucchini filled day, here's the daily menu:

Breakfast: Zucchini Cake (Yes, it's technically a cake, but I made it with whole grain flour and organic eggs.  The only questionable ingredient is sugar.  I know, it's a far stretch, but it's a dense cake)

Lunch: Zucchini Scramble

Dinner: The deceptive Sloppy Joe's 

Dessert: Zucchini Cake with Butter-Lime frosting

Real Food XI: Sourdough Buckwheat Crepes

Buckwheat was domesticated in Southeast Asia roughly 6,000 years ago. Due to its unusual tolerance of cool growing conditions, poor soils and high altitudes, it spread throughout the Northern latitudes of Eurasia, becoming the staple crop in many regions. It's used to a lesser extent in countries closer to the equator. It was also a staple in the Northeastern US until it was supplanted by wheat and corn.

Buckwheat isn't a grain: it's a 'pseudograin' that comes from a broad-leaved plant. As such, it's not related to wheat and contains no allergenic gluten. Like quinoa, it has some unusual properties that make it a particularly nutritious food. It's about 16 percent protein by calories, ranking it among the highest protein grains. However, it has an advantage over grains: it contains complete protein, meaning it has a balance of essential amino acids similar to animal foods. Buckwheat is also an exceptional source of magnesium and copper, two important nutrients that may influence the risk of insulin resistance and cardiovascular disease (1, 2).

However, like all seeds (including grains and nuts), buckwheat is rich in phytic acid. Phyic acid complexes with certain minerals, preventing their absorption by the human digestive tract. This is one of the reasons why traditional cultures prepare their grains carefully (3). During soaking, and particularly fermentation of raw batters, an enzyme called phytase goes to work breaking down the phytic acid. Not all seeds are endowed with enough phytase to break down phytic acid in a short period of time. Buckwheat contains a lot of phytase, and consequently fermented buckwheat batters contain very little phytic acid (4, 5). It's also high in astringent tannins, but thorough soaking in a large volume of water removes them.

Buckwheat is fermented in a number of traditional cultures. In Bhutan, it's fermented to make flatbreads and alcoholic drinks (6). In Brittany (Bretagne; Northwestern France), sourdough buckwheat flour pancakes are traditional. Originally a poverty food, it is now considered a delicacy.

The following simple recipe is based on my own experimentation with buckwheat. It isn't traditional as far as I know, however it is based on traditional methods used to produce sourdough flatbreads in a number of cultures. I used the word 'crepe' to describe it, but I typically make something more akin to a savory pancake or uttapam. You can use it to make crepes if you wish, but this recipe is not for traditional French buckwheat crepes.

It's important that the buckwheat be raw and whole for this recipe. Raw buckwheat is light green to light brown (as in the photo above). Kasha is toasted buckwheat, and will not substitute properly. It's also important that the water be dechlorinated and the salt non-iodized, as both will interfere with fermentation.

For a fermentation starter, you can use leftover batter from a previous batch (although it doesn't keep very long), or rice soaking water from this method (7).

Ingredients and Materials

• 2-3 cups raw buckwheat groats
• Dechlorinated water (filtered, boiled, or rested uncovered overnight)
• Non-iodized salt (sea salt, pickling salt or kosher salt), 2/3 tsp per cup of buckwheat
  
• Fermentation starter (optional), 2 tablespoons
  
• Food processor or blender

Recipe

1. Cover buckwheat with a large amount of dechlorinated water and soak for 9-24 hours. Raw buckwheat is astringent due to water-soluble tannins. Soaking in a large volume of water and giving it a stir from time to time will minimize this. The soaking water will also get slimy. This is normal.
   
2. Pour off the soaking water and rinse the buckwheat thoroughly to get rid of the slime and residual tannins.
3. Blend the buckwheat, salt, dechlorinated water and fermentation starter in a food processor or blender. Add enough water so that it reaches the consistency of pancake batter. The smoother you get the batter, the better the final product will be.
4. Ferment for about 12 hours, a bit longer or shorter depending on the temperature and whether or not you used a starter. The batter may rise a little bit as the microorganisms get to work. The smell will mellow out. Refrigerate it after fermentation.
   
5. In a greased or non-stick skillet, cook the batter at whatever thickness and temperature you prefer. I like to cook a thick 'pancake' with the lid on, at very low heat, so that it steams gently.
   

Dig in! Its mild flavor goes with almost anything. Batter will keep for about four days in the fridge.

Thanks to Christaface for the CC licensed photo (Flickr).

Free Gift - LivingAfterWLS General Store

Summer Special:
July 15-20, 2010Four Rules MagnetFree With Every Order!

Shop Now



Books by Kaye Bailey
Seasoning Blends for WLS Patients
Feed the Carb Monster Soup Mixes

5 Day Pouch Test: A Thoughtful Review

Hello Neighbors - It's Monday! A new week, a new day. Many of you may be starting the 5 Day Pouch Test today as a way to get back to basics with your weight loss surgery tool. We know from our years of dieting that we can be powerfully inspired by others who share our struggles. Last week I was motivated and inspired by one of our new Neighbors, Tiff. She shared daily reports of her 5 Day Pouch

Garden Dinner

This is what was picked from the garden today.  All we needed for tonight's dinner was some chicken. 

Chicken: Ben cooked it in a fry pan with a tad of oil until brown.  Then topped it with fresh pesto he made from the basil we grow.

Beets: I boiled them until they were tender.  Since there is always a lot of oil in pesto when cooked, we decided to use what came off the pesto and chicken and I used it to make an Italian vinaigrette to marinate them in.

Beet greens:  I cooked them with olive oil and garlic.  When it was wilted and finished cooking, I seasoned it with salt, pepper and some coriander. (Our favorite spice-we use it on everything)

Eggplant: I sliced, sauteed in olive oil and seasoned with salt & pepper. (My son and I love it best prepared this way)

Tomatoes: They are so yummy from the garden, we just sliced and ate them with a dash of salt & pepper.

Watermelon: Weren't sure if they were ripe yet or not.  By looking at the anemic piece on the plate, you can tell they need a few more days out in the sun on the vine.

Minger Responds to Campbell

Hot off the presses: Dr. Colin Campbell's response to Denise Minger's China Study posts, and Minger's retort:

A Challenge and Response to the China Study

The China Study: My Response to Campbell

This is required reading for anyone who wants to evaluate Dr. Campbell's claims about the China Study data. Denise points out that Dr. Campbell's claims rest mostly on uncorrected associations, which is exactly what he was accusing Minger, Chris Masterjohn and Anthony Colpo of doing. He also appears to have selectively reported data that support his philosophy, and ignored data that didn't, even when the latter were stronger. This is true both in Dr. Campbell's book, and in his peer-reviewed papers. This type of thing is actually pretty common in the diet-health literature.

I respect everyone's food choices, whether they're omnivores, carnivores, or raw vegans, as long as they're doing it in a way that's thoughtful toward other people, animals and the environment. I'm sure there are plenty of vegans out there who are doing it gracefully, not spamming non-vegan blogs with arrogant comments.

As human beings, we're blessed and cursed with an ego, which is basically a self-esteem and self-image reinforcement machine. Since being wrong hurts our self-esteem and self-image, the ego makes us think we're right about more than we actually are. That can take the form of elaborate justifications, and the more intelligent the person, the more elaborate the justifications. An economic policy that makes you richer becomes the best way to improve everyone's bottom line. A dietary philosophy that was embraced for humane reasons becomes the path to optimum health... such is the human mind. Science is basically an attempt to remove as much of this psychic distortion as possible from an investigation. Ultimately, the scientific method requires rigorous and vigilant stewardship to achieve what it was designed to do.

It's a journey, right?

I was going to avoid such a post, but I thought I would be honest.  In a journey, there are the typical highs and lows, right?  Well, I'M-IN-A-RUT! 

I have wanted to keep all the posting on this site positive, because no one wants to hear negatives.  But I thought I would keep this real.  Every weight loss journey has it's downs and if I didn't share mine, how would I learn from it?  How would it be obvious that I am actually doing this journey, not just talking about it?

Now I'm not admitting to completely falling off the wagon.  (It certainly happens, but not this time) I am just having a hard time getting exercise every day.  I have been overly tired and that makes it hard. (Probably because I haven't been regular with the exercise for a couple of weeks.) I did it last year, from January 1st to December 31st, every day.  I know I am capable to do it again.  But this time, it's been a little harder and I am not finding the same success.  I am human.

I can say this, by not working out every day, I can feel it.  Physically, emotionally, with my appetite, I can totally tell that I'm not regularly exercising.  This shows me just how important it is and how much our bodies depend on us to find time to squeeze it in everyday, not just once and awhile.

I am currently working on a routine for our entire family and you can bet I'm setting a specific time to workout.  It's a must if you want to be regular with your exercise!

Do Not Let Dumping Syndrome Ruin Your Summer Celebration

By Kaye Bailey

Summer is a time to celebrate warm weather, sunshine, good friends and good times - often with food and drink. But for people with weight loss surgery celebrations bring the potential for a dietary crisis called dumping syndrome that has the potential to ruin a day of good old fashioned summer time fun.

Gastric Dumping Syndrome, or rapid gastric emptying, is a condition where

Emergency First Aid For Gastric Bypass Dumping Syndrome

By Kaye Bailey

For patients of gastric bypass weight loss surgery an episode of dumping syndrome, or rapid gastric emptying, is physically dramatic and lifestyle disruptive. Prior to surgery patients are instructed to avoid sweet processed carbohydrates, greasy fried food and all simple processed carbohydrates in order to avoid dumping syndrome. Some patients who become lactose intolerant with

Walking is highly underrated

I went for a walk last night. A real honest-to-goodness walk, outside, in the fresh air. I haven't done that for weeks. Usually if I walk it's during lunch at work with a coworker. I don't consider it real exercise, more of a mental break to get away from the office for an hour.

Last night it was 67 degrees, and clear skies. I'd skip the gym yesterday morning for the first time in several days. I couldn't remember my last day off without looking at my exercise log - it was last Wednesday. I'd convinced myself I needed a break from the gym so I asked my husband to walk with me on the trail where I bike at least a couple times a week.

It was strange to walk on this trail. I saw so many things that normally I never even notice. There were all kinds of flowers and especially flowering trees along the trail that I'd never seen before. There were several lilac bushes and some sort of tall bush that had big blooms of white fluffy flowers. I rode my bike on this trail last weekend and it was like a different trail last night. I'm always so focused on keeping up my heart rate, pushing myself as hard as can, that I've been missing a lot of cool things.

We also saw a lot of these little guys, the Washington state bird, yellow goldfinches. I forgot my camera so I didn't get any pictures.

We decided as long as the weather holds out we're going to start walking at least a couple times a week. I forgot how fun it is to just enjoy yourself and not be so focused on keep my heart rate up, burn lots of calories, feel the pain. It was nice to just enjoy the outdoors and talk.

Tomorrow I leave for Fairbanks to visit family. Woohoo! I probably won't be posting much while I'm gone. I'll be in Fairbanks for a week and then back home for a week.

I also purchased the Geneen's Roth new book, the one I slammed a couple days ago. There's probably something in there to help me, plus I need something to read on the plane. I'm going to try and keep a good attitude about it, even though what I heard from the interview with Oprah sounded kind of silly to me. I can certainly use all the help I can get when it comes to my issues with food so it's worth a try.

Have a great week!

Sweeteners - NuStevia - good stuff

I've always had a sweet tooth that just doesn't stop. Anything with sugar in it was my favorite food. Unfortunately, as with most foods, my off switch is really broken when it comes to sugar. I just can't seem to stop. Other than natural sugars in fruit (and yes, I know that's still sugar), I've given up regular, processed sugar. Yet I really miss the sweetness of sugar.

I've always hated artificial sweeteners. All of them have a bitter, chemical aftertaste that kind of gags me. I can taste it regardless of what people tell me. Maybe some people just get use to it and really can't taste it.

I finally found a sweetener that I like and it has zero calories. NuNaturals Stevia. It's less processed than some of the others, like Truvia by CocaCola. Of course a big corporation would have to mess it up by adding chlorine. Seriously CocaCola, chlorine?

Anyway, NuStevia is pure, natural, delicious sweetness and zero calories.

Here's a good blog post about NuStevia by NuNaturals, much better than my review (and I stole her picture above because I was too lazy to take my own). She has a lot of tips on how to use it. I haven't tried the NuStevia extract yet, but it's next on my list.

You can't find NuStevia with the regular artificial sweeteners in grocery stores, I only saw the Stevia products by the big corporations, like the Truvia (aka chlorine). I found the NuNaturals products in the nutrition center at my local Fred Meyers, and also at Whole Foods.

Give it a try. You'll be sweetly rewarded. :)

Women, Food and God - really?

At first I was all set to run out and buy this book. I buy almost every weight loss book that comes out, every strength training book, every new book on the latest health fad of the moment. I have book cases full of these books. I'm always looking for the magic pill.

I've been reading about this book, Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. It sounded like something I should read. Maybe I could learn something.

Tonight I caught the last thirty minutes of Oprah's interview with Geneen. Sadly, I realized this book doesn't have the answers for me. I've already tried making peace with food. All the stuff they talked about in that thirty minutes, I've done it. Don't watch TV and eat. Eat in a calm, quiet place. Enjoy your food. Don't count calories. Don't weigh and measure your food. Trust yourself with food (gotta love this one).

It doesn't work for me. I've tried it all and seriously, all that happened was an ugly weight gain. None of this stuff is new. I've read the same theories in different books and magazines for years. It's just a regurgitation of the same old theories.

That's my book review on a book I haven't even read. I just watched an interview with the author.

Have you read it? What are your thoughts on this book? Did you watch the Oprah interview? Do you really think this can work for you?

Maybe there's more to this book than what I saw in a 30-minute interview. Maybe I'm missing something and it would be worth using that Borders gift card I won at Toastmasters. Still, I was a little put off by Oprah's revelations that this book held the answers we're all seek regarding weight loss, but sometimes, Oprah kind of annoys me.

Anyway, I'm really curious what other people thought about the interview and the book. Should I buy it?

4:15am - Tuesday
I thought about this post and this book several times last night (another bad night of sleep). I think Geneen Roth's theory might actually work for most people. Unfortunately, for me, when it comes to food there's something inside of me that irreparably broken. My off switch doesn't seem to work.

The part of my brain that should tell me when I've eaten enough food to keep my body functioning at peak condition simply doesn't work. Maybe it's from years of dieting and deprivation. Binging and purging. Whatever the cause, I don't think I can easily fix it by just wishing it worked. I have to be very consciously aware of what I eat and how much or I will gain weight. Years of experience has proven this to be true.

I wish it was that easy that I could just believe in myself and trust myself to eat the correct amount of food and eat what I want when I want it. Then magically all would be well in my world. Unfortunately, for me, it just doesn't work that way for me. I'm okay with it, the counting and measuring, the vigilance about what I eat. I'd rather do this than go back to what I was before, 100 pounds overweight.

Maybe it'll work for you, maybe it won't. Regardless, there's something that works for everyone, you just have to figure it out.

83/365: Monday - Twitter Workout

When I workout, I need something to distract me.  TV used to work well, but it just doesn't hold my interest any more.

I really enjoy reading, but if it's a new book, I can't stand chopping it up in 15 minute increments.  I LOVE reading books in big chunks, breaking them up makes me crazy.  Now with a book I have already read, I can break it up no problem and it works fine.  But I'm behind in my reading so I don't have time to re-read something right now.

Talking on the phone is nice, but finding someone available to chat at the same time is a challenge, and heavy breathing while talking isn't very nice.

So today I Tweeted while working out. The time passed beautifully, it was guilt free tweeting and I did the best workout so far this year!

What I did today:
Elliptical Trainer: 30 min @ level 15
Push-ups: 25

WLS Friendly Summer Menus

It's that wonderful time of year! Picnics, grilling, beach parties, reunions! No need to be left behind because of your weight loss surgery: this is your season to shine! There are dozens of great recipes you can share with family and friends as you celebrate summer while respecting your dietary needs. Today we present menus featuring some of our LivingAfterWLS and 5 Day Pouch Test favorite

Where do bloggers go when their blogs die?

I cleaned up my blog list tonight. There were blogs on there where people hadn't posted for over a year. Several hadn't posted for over two months. I deleted 34 blogs from my list.

It's sort of sad that these were people trying to lose weight that either gave up on losing weight or at the very least, gave up blogging. I can only hope they went on to live healthy lives, but unfortunately, I really doubt that's what happened.

I had contacted a few of them by email the last few months asking if they were ever coming back. If they responded at all, they said no, they probably weren't coming back. Blogging had lost it's charm for them or they found it to be a chore or they said it was boring.

It's funny, even though I have days where I feel like it's sort of a chore, most of the time I enjoy blogging. Both reading other people's blogs or writing on my own blog. It's sort of like free therapy.

When I read about other people's weight loss struggles, I realize they're just like my own. We're all fighting the same battle and it's somehow comforting to know other people are going down the same difficult path of weight loss.

Not only do I find comfort in other people's blogs, but often I gain enthusiasm from reading other people's thoughts. Or a recipe, or a tip on how to overcome a binge cycle. There's so much helpful information out there that I can't imagine stopping reading weight loss blogs. In three years they have been a life saver for me.

I'm still sadden by the loss of my 34 friends. Yes, I considered them friends. If they were on my blog list that meant they were blogs I read on a fairly consistent basis. I left thoughtful comments on their posts. I cared about them. Now they're gone, probably to never be heard from again.

On the other hand, there are lots of friends that are still blogging. Along with a lot of new people just embarking on this journey. They're old friends and new friends that I haven't met yet. Friends that unbeknownst to them, will make a difference in my life. That's the bright side, the one I shall remain focused on for now.

Day 82/365: Sunday

The journey has moments were you just don't care.  I started off the week not feeling 100% and I just didn't care about my weight loss efforts.  Does that every happen to you?

It always amazes me how much working out makes a different to your body, and often times you don't realize just how much until you haven't been working out for a few days.

I'm back to the elliptical tomorrow.  I don't enjoy feeling like I'm falling apart, which I do after a week of no regular exercise.

What I did today:
50 crunches

Sunshine + 70 degrees + bike = happy girl

I just finished the perfect bike ride. The weather is spectacular, slight breeze, 70 degrees, not a cloud in the sky. It was on my normal trail, which is only ten miles round-trip, with several good hills, but it was just a gorgeous ride today. I stopped in at the gym for a 45-minute upper body strength workout, then I rode home.

I can't believe how much the trail has changed in just two weeks since my last ride. Daisies, peonies, sweet peas, Dianthus, lavender, and roses all growing wild and all were all in bloom along the trail. I didn't take many pictures since I was sort of in a hurry, trying to keep my heart rate up.

At one point when I was trying to keep up with a couple of skinny guys on bikes, both wearing identical racing gear (like they were a team), the bikes had skinny tires like racing bikes. As I was pedaling my heart out to keep up with them my heart rate was at 161 (my resting pulse is 50, so 161 is high for me). They passed me going up a steep hill but then I caught up to them and stayed behind them for about three miles until I decided to back off. I didn't want them to think I was stalking them or something, and it was wearing me out!
Two hours and fifteen minutes, bike ride and gym, I burned 700 calories according to my Polar F6. I can't imagine an easier or more fun way to burn calories.

When I got home I grabbed a bowl of cherries out of the fridge. I counted out 35 cherries and enjoyed them, savoring each sweet, icy cold cherry, for 3.5 Points. So good! I can still eat fruit, I just have to count the Points.

I feel so much better after my bike ride. I'm still a little upset by the six-pound gain, but I know I can pull it off quickly. It's not here to stay.

Vacation next week at my sister's house won't be a foodfest either. My sister is notorious for not eating. She's always eaten like a bird, but since my brother-in-law (her husband) passed away last fall she's lost all interest in food. She even asked me yesterday what she should buy for me to eat, I told her I'd just eat whatever she eat. That's a guaranteed weight loss right there.

I've decided I'm here to stay in blogland. I had thoughts this past week to stop reading blogs and stop writing. It seems that lately a lot of people are abandoning their blogs. Sort of sad. I really believe my blog has helped me stay on track for three years. Even if no one reads it and even if it doesn't really help anyone, it helps me. Therefore, I'm here to stay.

Peonies there were growing wild along my bike trail, right among the blackberry bushes. Check out the sky. Remember, this is Seattle. Land of the eternal monsoon season. Summer is finally here and it took it's sweet time getting here!

Some sort of flower, growing wild.

A picture my husband took at the Gorge last weekend. It looks better than the ones I took.

Danger, Will Robinson!

“Danger, Will Robinson!” is a catch phrase from the 1960s’ American television series Lost in Space spoken by voice actor Dick Tufeld. The Robot, acting as a surrogate guardian, says this to young Will Robinson when the boy is unaware of an impending threat. In everyday use, the phrase warns someone that they are about to make a mistake or that they are overlooking something.

I'm not about to make a mistake, I already made it. I stepped on the scales this morning, the first time in three weeks. Talk about burying my head in the sand. I was sort of pretending if I didn't know how much I weighed then it must be okay. It's not okay. I weigh 168.2, up six pounds from three weeks ago.

My downfall has been fresh fruit. Yes, you can gain weight from eating too much fruit. I love fruit and had been limiting myself to two to three servings a day. Then summer came, with cherries (Vans and Rainiers), nectarines, raspberry pluots, peaches, blueberries, raspberries, watermelon, and piel de sapo (like a honeydew melon but better) all came into season at the same time.

I've been like a kid in a candy store. I love them all and have been eating large amounts of fruit these last few weeks. I completely stopped counting Points. I was using the logic that since it's just fruit and it's only in season for a few months, I should eat as much as I want because it'll be out of season soon.

That line of thinking has led me to a six-pound gain. Even though my eating is healthy, fresh fruits and vegetables, chicken and fish, very little processed foods (I'm still eating Frantz whole wheat sandwich thins - I just can't give them up), I still gained weight. Basically, a calorie is a calorie, whether it's sugar cookies or a pound of cherries. Too many calories will lead to a weight gain. This isn't any big revelation, but it just amazes me the crazy logic I can use to allow myself to overindulge.

Today I'm back to counting Points and limiting my fruit intake. It brings a tear to my eye, but it's just the way it has to be. I can't eat with abandon, even if it is "just" fruit.

The exercise
I'm still going to the gym, doing one to one and a half hour workouts. I'm just not loving it too much these days. I'm doing it more because I have to than because I want to. I've added the treadmill back into my routine and have been doing a little bit of jogging along with 4mph walking. My knees have been holding up well and haven't hurt at all. I'm mainly doing it just to do something different. I'm bored.

Strength training is still my favorite part of working out. I sort of hate cardio and only do it because it's required. My cardio routine is a minimum of 35 minutes, yesterday it was 53 minutes of treadmill, elliptical and crosstrainer (I was really bored so did different cardio equipment for 15 to 20 minutes each). My StairMaster is still broken which makes me sad. I love it, but it's been broken for about six weeks. I suspect it's not repairable.

I completed the workout with a 45-minute strength training, lower body. Also not my favorite. Working out my quads, glutes, hamstrings hurts the most. Upper body workouts seem easier and more "fun". Again, I do it because I have to.

Biking outside has been put on hold for now. The temps here have been running in the high 80's and low 90's. Too hot for a bike ride.

The Lilith Fair
I suppose I should mention last weekend's trip to The Gorge at George. It was okay. The day was perfect, 80 degrees, sunshine. The scenery at the Gorge is beautiful. The music was good, especially Sheryl Crow, Sugarland and Sarah McLachlan.

Sitting on a 45-degree grassy knoll on a blanket with girls making out in front of us got kind of old after about six hours (we were there eight hours), not fun. Plus our blanket kept sliding down the hill. If I ever go again I'm taking stakes and pounding them into the corner of the blanket. About every hour we'd slide down a foot and have to pull the blanket back up.

The place was packed with hundreds of people. They weren't all lesbians, I'd say about 1/3 were straight women, 1/3 were lesbians, and 1/3 were guy/girl couples. It was interesting. :)

A beer was $9. I walked around and looked at all the food. It was typical fair food. Elephant ears, a Margarita line that was never less than 30 people in line, hamburgers, gyros, philly steak standwiches. Honestly, none of it appealed to me. We had a cooler full of healthy food and we each had one beer. I didn't feel deprived, nor was there really anything there I wanted to eat. One thing I noticed, almost every person I saw carrying around an elephant ear (deep-fried dough covered with sugwas ar and cinnamon), was very overweight. That alone made them less than desirable.

At about 9pm the sun went down and the wind started blowing. Even though I was wrapped in a blanket I thought I was going to freeze to death. It had gone from 80 degrees to proably about 55 degrees with wind. Not fun. We left in the middle of Sarah singing because it was so cold. Walking to our car about a mile away we could hear her beautiful singing. That woman has the most incredible voice.

Even though it was kind of fun, it was a long day. When we got to our hotel in the little town of Ephrata at 11pm and it was closed. The owner finally showed up at 11:30pm and gave us our key to the room, which turned out to be one of the nastiest hotels I've ever stayed in. In my youth I stayed in a lot of fleabag hotels during my travels. This one ranked right down there with the lowest of the low. It was old, dirty and I suspect that our room had been used as a meth lab at one time. Not exactly a romantic getaway.

Vacation
Sorry this whole post is kind of a downer. On a more positive note I have a two-week vacation starting this Thursday and I'll be heading to Fairbanks (husband staying home). I'm really looking forward to seeing my sister and her family and my brother. My brother has a big adventure planned for me, taking out to the middle of no where on his new track vehicle he just bought. I just look at it as any day away from work is a good day. :)

The Gorge, general admission. The grass was nice, but too far from the stage.

The sky at The Gorge. I was fascinated by the sun because I had seen it for months in Western Washington. Of course, last week made up for it with temps in the 90's.

Me with the wind in my hair

Dry Falls (somewhere in Eastern Washington)

Jack and me at Grand Coulee Dam

July Sale at LivingAfterWLS General Store

The savings are HOT HOT HOT at the LivingAfterWLS General Store! Shop Now and enter coupon code: JULY2010 to save $2.00 off any order and receive and You Have Arrived Seasoning Sample - FREE! No minimum Order!
BooksCarb Monster Soup MixesYou Have Arrived Seasoning Blends
SHOP NOW!
Quality LivingAfterWLS products for your best living with Weight Loss Surgery!

Summer Soups - A Healthy Choice For Weight Loss Surgery Dieters

By Kaye Bailey

Summer is a time of abundant vegetables available locally grown at affordable prices. Through the hot summer and into fall farm stands dot America's byways as local growers bring to the public an abundance of freshly grown vegetables, fruits and berries. People who control their weight with bariatric weight loss surgery (WLS) can benefit from a stop at the farm stand for fresh

Danger! HOTSummer Weather May Lead to Dehydration For WLS Patients

Following bariatric surgery for weight loss patients are instructed in the Four Rules of weight loss surgery; the second of which is drink lots of water. This rule is of particular importance during the warm summer months when perspiration and elimination cause greater water losses and the potential for dehydration increases.

Water constitutes about 60 percent of an adult's body weight. In the

Weight loss supplements

The best weight loss pill is one which is reliable, consistent and has no sideeffects. We are all looking for one. A diet is equally good if used properly.

A balanced diet is one that not only contains the necessary nutrients, but also the energy that balances the body in relation to the yin and yang. Combining the five tastes (sweet, spicy, bitter, sour and salty) and five temperatures (hot, cold, warm, cool and neutral) according to our needs.
For example, if our body is exceeded heat the food needed in greater amounts are cold and not hot because otherwise we would cause more heat. At present more problems that cause us to lead a healthy and balanced diet is the time we have for this activity, people have a working lunch hours from 30 minutes to 2 hours. If you have not prepared their food should go to a kitchen or restaurant where unknown quantities of fat, salt, cooking food, plus what we can pay and time chewing and saliva is not adequate, alone in Moving and I choose to eat at least 10 minutes if I lose this in the same place where you work.
This will cause poor eating habits and hence nutritional problems (malnutrition or overweight).
If the activity is busy work, after eating digestion causes us a little sleepy (heaviness varied according to the intake) and low productivity or performance a bit, if the Bureau is working on a chair usually spend no calories. Schedule It is best eating habits, where they organize time to eat our food, if possible, a timetable and a weekly plan that includes the essentials: Hot food and salt, cold drink and sweet-sweet fruit neutral, for example.
In addition to program a habit of exercise because your body requires the movements of our muscles to give the right functions and energy balance, if we maintain a sedentary lifestyle and accumulate the energy not only alters digestion but cellular metabolism throughout the body making slow physiological functions and retaining fluid and toxic waste. Do not miss eating those snacks you like so much, do not hurt the cause you trouble is the amount you eat "balanced" only, learn to treat your body and give it just enough. It is possible to achieve this we should only have Longing and desire to improve habits towards a healthy life of good quality.

Till next time..

Day 82/365:Tuesday-Bad, bad blogger

Yes, that would be me.  I'm a bad, bad blogger.  I completely neglected my blog over the weekend.

Not only have I neglected my blog, I have neglected my body.  I haven't workout out, I have allowed the busy and the tired side of me to win.  It's all about choice, and for the last few days, I have made choices that bring me farther from my goals.

Does that make me a failure? NOPE!  Does that give me reason to feel guilt?  NOPE!  Should I just let it pass and then move on, YOU BET!!

I am human, so I guess I am just keeping it real, right?  I have to admit I do feel an inkling of guilt for letting things slide on my blog.  As for myself, I understand this is a journey.  A journey without a destination, and with bumps along the way. Accept the bumps and move on.  Don't let them be stumbling blocks that put you on a path that takes you even farther away from your goals.  Don't let a couple of days off the path keep you months from the path.

I am grateful for what I have learned on this journey.  I know that I need to work out daily to keep my appetite and weight in check.  I have also learned that there are times where I rebel and like to sabotage myself.  Learning to understand yourself is so important.  Be real with yourself and then you can stop playing the games.  I've played games for years, I have gained many pounds because of it.  Now, understanding this, when I find myself slipping back into that game mode, I can get out of it a lot faster, because I have listened to myself. Learned to understand and forgive myself.  Forgiveness is a huge thing on this weight loss journey.  Without forgiveness, it's hard to move on and easy to punish.

Day 82/365:Monday

Day 82/365: Sunday

Day 82/365:Saturday

Going Shit

Unbelievably so.

oh well fuck it right?

I feel exactly the same as when I resume any diet. I don't want to. I know how hard its going to be and I just put it off, and then some.

I just cant face being banded again. I just cant face the puking, then chewing, the fucking bloody fucking around.

The poxy small meals, the looks when you push your food around your plate and then dash for the loo, then cooking for 5 healthy appetites and no sharing with them, even the pain of having a fill - not in my stomach but in my wallet!! £125 is no freaking joke - and that's just for 1 of them.

The pain of failing again. The pain of sharing it all with people and then having hope dashed. The embarrassment that I couldn't make it work and my complete self loathing.

This is not for me

Not now.

This blog has officially ended. I have come full circle and today weigh in at 18 stone 12 pounds.
Its taken nearly 6 years to lose half a sodding pound, so I cant be bothered any more guys.

Thanks to all of your peeps who have followed my journey, you were there during the good and the bad and the very ugly. Most of you are banded too, and as my parting goodbye to you all - may I wish with all my heart that you never have to endure anything that I have encountered.

I am jealous of all of your successes, it's true, and it doesn't spur me on, it makes me feel even more shit about how crap I am. I tried to see the other side of it all, but its not working for me. Every time I see people who were banded and the amazing results it makes me feel like a bucket of cold piss. Sorry, but its the truth. I am like the team that lost, envious, emotional, sorry for myself and know i should have just done better. Somewhere deep within me, I am happy for you all individually - but banded people as a whole make me want to cry. Its like the day the wall went up... I feel like I am on the other side of your happiness, and there is nothing I can do right now to change it.

I lay my failure squarely at the doorstep of Heliogast and their batch of faulty bands. Thanks for nothing you bunch of arseholes. You ruined my dreams and fucked my mind over. I simply cannot get over that. There are not words on this earth to describe how I feel about you. You should have put a recall on them you bastards. How many people have them still inside them? No one even knows. Lovely.

I also blame Hinchingbrooke hospital for completely wrongly diagnosing me, blowing me off with IBS when the consultant radiologist obviously didn't bother putting down his newspaper & coffee to look at my results. You made me suffer agony for 6 months. Fucking cheers.

I also blame my brain for being a mound of blubbering shit. Because of you i could not get it together after this crisis and get the FUCK over myself. As soon as I can get a transplant i am going to freaking have one. I am even considering a lobotomy. be warned you mass of grey bollocks

All three of you deserve to be imprisoned for the pain you gave me.

This was Bunny, flattened by the juggernaut. Splat