Several things have happened recently that have meant I can, or rather have to, put things to bed permanently.
If you start a race, or a journey, or a trek somewhere massive - like the Marathon, or North Pole or Everest... sometimes you don't do it your first go. I do feel like my battle with weight could be any or all of those things. Its certainly huge - like my butt!
So, you would be mad not to attempt those things with some serious training. Hell I would be mad to try a 1km run right now!! So, I am considering my 3 years post band as my training to stay the distance.
I had a funny little thing happen to prove this yesterday. I went to TB's house after we got back from slimmingworld, and we were having a coffee and chatting, and she offered me an orange. Without thinking, I dismissed it with a "no thanks" and then realized that I said no because there was no way I could have eaten an orange a couple of months ago. It would have stuck like a pig in a poke and ended up in a choke barf session! So even after being released from that over tight hell, my mind has trained itself to remember its just not worth it for some things!
This is very interesting to me, because when I was filled I might have said yes to a cake, or crisps or something similar. So the 'Its not worth it' only came into effect when I weighed up choking and puking versus the TYPE of food stuff... it was worth it to puke on cake or crisps maybe?? My mind is funny like that. I never realized I did that balancing out on food - the pros and cons of eating something... Hmmm. That's really actually quite sad isn't it.
What I intend to do - as my mate Dave suggested - is get a fill at some point and never let myself get into that situation again. I should have been able to eat an orange. I just never bothered to take the time to learn how. Oh yeah, i chewed stuff to death alright, but I mean never really bothered to try foods I thought might be a bit harder going. I just cut them out. So that limits my food choices which then starts the chain reaction into where I was at with subsisting on sloppy or melt able junk food and takeaway at about 10pm at night cos then I can get it down.
These are all good things to remember for me, and I am writing them down on a piece of paper so that I remember these things when i get there again. So as Dave rightly suggested getting a fill should limit rather than omit things. I guess there will be things that i come across that i wont be able to, like I was never able to tolerate bread in any form after my band was filled. But maybe I didn't try hard enough or take small enough bites. I dunno. I am going to give it all a fresh try and armed with my training I should be able to notice the first signs of distress and slow the heck down!
The other interesting things that I have come to terms with is the breaking of my band. That has been a head fucker right from the word go. It makes me sore and angry in my heart that this had to happen to me, because I am pretty sure that I would not be here writing this blog the way its written if everything had been ok with the band from the outset.
I have been repeatedly told by our solicitor that I had a case against the NHS for what happened to me. I also had a case against the private doctor in London who did a vanishing act. I also had the case against the company that made the band and I did receive a large sum from them for their faulty product in December 2007.
I have consistently left the NHS on the shelf. I just didn't want to go there. I think maybe I was frightened that there would be some record or they would refuse to treat me in future or something like that. I certainly cant afford private health care plan, so I have to go with them. It all felt rather bad manners too, even though they fucked up on a major scale. I know the name of the doctor who said I was fine, the senior consultant radiologist who looked at these next x-rays and said there was nothing wrong (even though - now get this - they do follow up care for this operation at this hospital so am guessing he might have seen a band before in his 34 years as a radiologist!!!!), and everyone else who treated me that day including the nurses on duty the night I was admitted and who I - lying in my bed - overheard at handover in the early hours say "Bunny, she came in complaining of abdominal pain, given morphine but still in pain. Shes either a very very good actor or is actually in pain, but who knows"... Nice huh!
I have done nothing about any of it. Now, I cant do anything about it. It was 3 years ago on 21st May that it broke. that's the time limit for raising a medical compensation case.
Its like a deliberately left it until now so that I could just forget about it, or them. Maybe its ingrained in us to trust doctors and nurses, or whatever, or maybe I am just being really truly gracious and feel like I already took enough compensation over this. The NHS is in debt and its not like I had a leg off or something. I also paid for this surgery myself so maybe I think I brought the whole situation on myself or whatever, but I just couldn't bring myself to sign the forms and send them back to the solicitor. I just couldn't. Now it doesn't matter. Its fucking done.
Any time I go into hospital now I can at least know that there is no secret code on my files saying "GET HER!" But I also know not to be fobbed off. I know that they can miss some freaking big problems now for real. So at least I kind of get something out of it.
So here are my X-Rays. I have blanked my name and stuff and the hospital name... but you get to see inside my guts:
On this x-ray you can see the port with a nice big prong poking out of it (it's and inch and a half long btw) this stabbed me in the liver for 6 months. And, just by 'Acq Tm' you can see the band in position and the tubing trailing off downwards.
And here's the other one showing my port and disconnected tubing and the 2 big clips that broke off and fired like a rocket into my pelvic area (look at spine in pelvis)! That tubing whipped through me like a blown tyre, so YES, nurse, I was in freaking Pain bitch!
By the time I got back to see Dr. Dillemans in the November, the tubing was hanging further down in my pelvis... straight down too. It explained why when i went to the loo I felt like I was having a baby and had stabbing pains. Check out the port area too... explains why once I bent over, I had chronic pain in my upper midriff... it was stabbing my liver.
So there we go guys... its all over, I cant call anyone on this any more. Dr. Dillemans was appalled at the sate of it all and instantly fixed it all up for free the very next day and was amazing. I would thoroughly recommend him to anyone. I only know 3 other people this happened too and I sincerely hope there is no one else... but if your band ain't working, then get this sucker checked as it was a faulty batch or LapBands ok? Some people don't get pain... it all depends where everything's located and how long the tubing is etc... so don't give up on your little silicone buddy unless you know this hasn't happened.
So this is me putting it all to bed. *dusts hands off*
The other things that has made me in the mood to restart stuff is my weight. My actual weight.
Yesterday at slimmingworld I weighed in at 18 stone 1.5lbs (thats 253.5lbs). When I started my WHOLE weightloss expedition way back and originally joined slimmingword I weighed 18 stone 12.5lbs. That's just 11 pounds lost in about 6 years.
When I had lapband surgery on 14th February 2007 I weighed exactly 18 stone (252lbs).
I now weigh MORE than at my original surgery date.
So peeps, I have really really REALLY gone back to base camp.
These things should shock me, but actually they inspire me. Its like Running the Marathon and twisting your ankle at 10miles. Like Trekking to the North pole and having the huskies turn on you and eat the supplies just into the arctic circle. Like getting halfway up Everest and your Sherpa realizing that you don't have enough oxygen to complete the mission. So you have to go back home and re-load.
So I am HAPPY and well glad I get the chance to run this race again! Its day 4 and all is well!!!
The plan I am doing is Dieti-meal. Its shakes, bars, soup and mrp meals. VERY tasty and easily doable for a month. Its a VLCD full meal replacement plan. Each meal is 25% of your daily nutrients, so I have a shake in the am, then soup or shake for lunch, then 2 chocolate bars things to snack on when I like (2bars = 1 meal) and then instant sachet of spag bol or shepherds pie for tea.
I thought the meal sachets would be gross, but they are VERY nice. I have eaten worse at a restaurant... and you know how I love my food!!
I did consider really going for it with slimingworld, but at the moment I just wanna burn fat, lose weight and not have to think about it. I need a boost to my psyche and this is gunna do it.
So, slimmingworld better be ready for a lighter load on the scales next week!
Brandon, age 22, was not overweight but he suffered from depression, low energy, exhaustion and panic attacks for two years. He was on anti-depressants plus going to therapy but these were not helping.