It happened one night...a full-blown binge

It's strange how the harder I try to be "good", and the more I focus on thinking about always doing the right thing with food and exercise, the more obsessed I become with the idea of binging.

Yesterday was the culmination of weeks of work stress. There was some marriage stress mixed in there too but I think we've worked through that and are back on pretty solid ground. Things are winding down at work too, finally there's a feeling of calm after weeks and weeks of intense pressure to work faster and harder, along with major stress.

So what the hell happened? I don't really know how to explain it other than something just came over me. I've been feeling really hungry lately, but eating very clean, very healthy. Maybe my portions have sometimes been a little on the large side, but I haven't been gaining weight, just holding steady in the the 174-175 range. Not at all where I want to be (135).

I shop at a Northwest grocery store, Fred Meyers. It's a large grocery store, sort of a one-stop shopping kind of place. For the last couple of months they've had a big display of caramel frosted yellow cake sitting right by the check-out area. You have to pass it to get in line to check out your groceries. You can't miss this huge display of cake.

I have a thing for caramel. I love it. Anything caramel, it's my favorite. I don't really care for chocolate, but I'm in heaven with caramel. I also love yellow cake, hate chocolate cake. So this was a dangerous combination for me. Thick caramel frosting covering a tall two-layer yellow cake.

You can buy the cake in a package of two big slices, or 1/2 of the cake, or the entire cake. Every week I would look at this cake and think, no way! Poison for sure. I pass by it and head down the ice cream aisle to buy my sugar-free Skinny Cow sandwiches or the Weight Watcher fudge bars or the Dryers fruit bars (Pomegranate - 70 calories each). Week after week for at least two months.

Then yesterday happened. It was Halloween at work since most people work from home on Friday. I dressed up as a vampire in a very uncomfortable wig and lots of makeup (I'm doing it again this weekend so I'll post pictures). By mid-afternoon I felt kind of sick. The giant wig was hot, the hair from the wig was in my face all day and the makeup was itchy. I had only eaten my healthy lunch. I didn't touch the Halloween desserts or candy. I finally called it quits at 3pm and headed home.

On my way home I thought about that caramel cake. I thought about going home, ripping off the costume and washing my face and heading back to the store. I also thought about listening to Geneen Roth's "What to do in the middle of binge" CD that was sitting right there in the seat next to me in my car. I made the conscious decision that I just flat out didn't care. To hell with the diet and Geneen Roth (sorry Geneen...it's nothing personal).

I did exactly what I had planned. When I got home I changed clothes, washed off all the makeup and headed to Fred Meyers. I bought an entire caramel cake, three pints of Häagen-Dazs, a dozen bakery sugar cookies with pink frosting and a package of vanilla doublestuff Oreos, along with a gallon of 1% milk.

I ate 1/3 of the cake. The frosting was so sweet it literally hurt my teeth and it made my stomach hurt. I also ate one pint of the Häagen-Dazs. I had a miserable night. Of course, I ate all of this before my husband got home and I hid the remains. I tossed and turned all night. I had horrible night sweats, something I haven't had in weeks.

I broke every one of Geneen Roth's eating guidelines. Again, I just didn't care.

This morning was filled with regrets, but I got up and got myself to the gym for forty minutes of cardio. I'm heading back at noon for 40 minutes of strength.

When I came home from the gym I took the remaining caramel cake, the unopened Oreos and pink-iced sugar cookies, tore open the packages and dumped everything into a garbage bag. Then I cleaned the cat's litter box dumping the dirty litter on top of the food. I know that's really disgusting, but I've been known to pull things out of the garbage. The contents of the two remaining unopened Häagen-Dazs containers are now down the garbage disposal.

I just don't know how I feel about this whole thing. Why did I do that? It made me feel awful. Guilty. Sad. It didn't make anything in my life better. The entire time I was doing it I knew exactly what I was doing.

I haven't done anything that extreme for a very long time. Maybe even over a year or more. I've had a pint of ice cream a few times, but I haven't purchased a cake with the intention of eating the entire thing, along with two packages of cookies and three pints of ice cream. What the hell was I thinking? Was I even thinking anything?

I guess the difference between yesterday and my past full-blown binges is that I didn't actually eat the entire cake or the any of the cookies or all of the ice cream. In my past I would have continued the binge into today until every morsel was gone. I also would NOT have gone to the gym after a night of binging.

Maybe I have changed. Maybe I will be okay. It's just surprising to me how easily I can fall back into old, bad habits. It's disturbing that I seemed to be completely out of control yesterday.

Even though I've come a long way, I still have a long way to go...

Fill Up to Slim Down: Feel-Full Eating Plan

Try this feel-full eating plan

Created by Katherine Brooking, R.D. This Feel Full Eating Plan delivers about 1,600 calories each day, plus all the nutrients you need.

Day 1 Breakfast. Veggie Scramble with Toast
Whisk 1 extra-large egg and 1 tbsp water in a bowl. Season with salt and pepper. Heat 1 1/2 tsp canola oil in a medium skillet over medium-high heat.

Cook 1 cup chopped tomato, 1 cup sliced mushrooms and 2/3 cup diced green bell pepper until vegetables are tender, 3 minutes. Add egg and 6 tbsp shredded low fat cheddar; cook, stirring, until set, 2 minutes. Serve with 2 slices whole-grain toast, topped with 2 tsp fruit spread.

Lunch: Sushi Takeout
1 six-piece vegetable-and-fish sushi roll (such as a California roll), 1 cup broccoli florets sautéed in 1 1/2 tsp sesame oil with garlic, 1/2 cup salted edamame and 2 tbsp reduced-sodium soy sauce.

Snack. 12-oz skim milk latte

Dinner. Spinach Salad
Toss 4 cups fresh spinach with 1/2 cup sliced apple, 1/2 cup sliced strawberries, 1 1/2 oz lean ham and 1 oz feta. Top with 4 crushed walnut halves, 1/4 cup whole-wheat croutons and 2 tbsp reduced-fat salad dressing. Serve with 1 small whole-wheat pita. Treat. 3 Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Miniatures.

Day 2 Breakfast. Almond Butter-Banana Toast
Toast 1 slice whole-wheat bread. Top with 1 tbsp almond butter and 1 sliced medium banana. Enjoy with 1 cup skim milk.

Lunch. The BVT (Bacon, Veggie and Tomato)
Heat grill to high. Brush 2 slices eggplant, 1 Portobello mushroom cap, 1 sliced zucchini and 1 sliced red bell pepper with 1 1/2 tsp olive oil. Grill 4 to 5 minutes. Stack veggies, 1 oz part-skim mozzarella, 2 tomato slices and 4 cooked turkey bacon slices between 2 slices multigrain bread.

Snack. 1 part-skim mozzarella stick

Dinner. Beef with Asparagus
Prepare 1 cup cooked brown rice as directed on package; place 2/3 cup in a container and set aside for another day. Heat grill or grill pan to high. Coat 12 medium asparagus spears with 1 1/2 tsp olive oil and grill until tender-crisp, 5 minutes. Serve with remaining rice, 3 oz precooked lean beef brisket and 1 small multigrain roll. Treat. 6 oz red wine.

Day 3 Breakfast. Cereal and Fruity Cottage Cheese
Top 1 cup high-fiber cereal, such as Barbara's Shredded Spoonfuls, with 1/2 cup skim milk and 3 tbsp ground flaxseed (a healthy fat). Serve with 1/2 cup balled watermelon, 1/3 cup cubed honeydew, 1/3 cup cubed cantaloupe and 1/4 cup 1 percent cottage cheese.

Lunch. Hearty Tomato Vegetable Soup
Heat reduced-sodium canned tomato soup (such as Campbell's Healthy Request) using skim milk instead of water. Place 1 1/2 cups soup in a bowl, add 2 cups spinach, 3/4 cup chopped tomato, 1/3 cup chickpeas and 1/4 cup cooked corn kernels. Sprinkle with 1/4 cup grated Parmesan. Serve with 1 small multigrain roll.

Snack. 1 small whole-wheat pita and 1 cup carrot sticks dipped in 3 tbsp plain hummus

Dinner. Lemon Chicken with Black Beans
Steam 1/2 cup diced bell pepper and 1 cup sliced mushrooms for 4 minutes. Mix with 1 1/2 tbsp olive oil, 3/4 cup chopped tomato and 1/2 cup drained and rinsed canned black beans. Serve with 1 Kashi Lemon Rosemary Chicken frozen entree, prepared as directed on package.

Treat. One 16 oz (Grande) Starbucks Cinnamon Dolce Frappuccino Light

Day 4 Breakfast. Berry Smoothie
Combine 1/3 cup blueberries, 1/2 cup sliced strawberries and 1/3 cup raspberries with 4 oz lowfat plain yogurt, 1/4 cup water and 1/4 cup ice in a blender. Mix until smooth. Serve with 3 whole-wheat crackers, each topped with 1 tsp regular peanut butter.

Lunch. Tuna Melt
Mix 5 oz water-packed chunk light tuna, 1 cup diced celery, 1 cup diced cucumber, 1/2 cup grated carrots and 1 tbsp reduced-fat mayonnaise in a bowl. Toast 2 slices whole-wheat bread.

Top each piece of toast with 1 medium tomato slice, 1/2 of tuna mixture and 1/2 slice reduced-fat Swiss cheese; heat in toaster oven until cheese melts, about 2 1/2 minutes.

Snack. Chocolate Banana. Slice 1/2 banana and top with 1 tbsp chocolate syrup

Dinner. Turkey Pita with Fries
Heat oven to 450 degrees. Peel 1/2 medium sweet potato and slice into 1/4-inch strips. Place strips on baking sheet and coat with vegetable oil cooking spray. Bake 10 to 12 minutes, turning once. Coat with cooking spray.

Heat a small frying pan over medium-high heat. Cook a prepared turkey patty until cooked through, 4 minutes on each side. Stuff a 6-inch whole-wheat pita with patty, 2 tbsp hummus, 1/6 of an avocado, sliced, and 4 tbsp shredded part-skim mozzarella. Serve with fries. Treat. 24 Snyder's Snaps Pretzels.

Day 5 Breakfast. Egg Sandwich and Fruit
Whisk 1 medium egg with 6 tbsp shredded low fat cheddar. Lightly coat frying pan with vegetable oil cooking spray. Heat on low. Add egg and cook until firm, about 2 minutes. Toast a whole-wheat English muffin; spread with 1 tbsp trans-fat-free margarine spread; fill with egg-cheese mixture. Serve with 1 medium orange.

Lunch. Veggie Enchiladas with Broccoli Salad
Heat 2 Amy's Black Bean Vegetable Enchiladas according to package instructions. Mix 1 cup steamed broccoli florets, 3/4 cup chopped tomato, 3 cups mixed greens and 1/4 cup chopped onion. Drizzle with 1 tsp olive oil and 2 tsp balsamic vinegar. Serve warm enchiladas with salad.

Snack. 2 1/2 Mini Babybel Light cheese rounds and 1 cup fresh sliced strawberries

Dinner. Penne with Shrimp and Peas
Prepare 1 cup cooked whole-wheat penne. At the same time, heat a medium saute pan over high heat. Add 1 1/2 tsp olive oil, 3/4 cup chopped tomatoes and 1/4 cup cooked fresh or frozen peas. Place 7 large cooked shrimp in pan with vegetables and toss mixture with drained pasta. Sprinkle with 2 tbsp grated Parmesan. Treat. 1 Skinny Cow Mint Ice Cream Sandwich.

Another day, another dollar

I'm still alive! Work is kicking my butt again. Even though I promised myself only eight-hour days from here on out, sometimes it's just not possible. Considering the hours I've been working the last few months I'm probably working for minimum wage. Sad but true.

Although my manager did give me the "Parking Spot" award last week along with a $100 gift certificate for a dinner out. A nice gesture but I'm still working for minimum wage. The parking spot means I get to park in the spot of my choice for a month (next to the front door) with my name on the parking spot. I think this is the fourth time I've been given the parking spot in the last three years. It basically just tells you that I work too many hours.

I still haven't made it to a Weight Watcher meeting. This Saturday I've promised myself to go back to my favorite meeting and favorite leader. I'll have my official weighin, sit through the meeting, and once again start tracking my food. I'm just not ready at the moment to crack open the online food tracker and start tracking.

Lately I've been struggling with hunger. I'm not sure why, maybe it's the weather change, maybe it's just a problem I'll always have, but I've been feeling ravenous hunger the last few days. I'm cutting back a little. For example four ounces of chicken - weighed on the food scale - instead of eyeballing it and knowing it's really eight ounces. I've been really good at convincing myself that was okay because, you know, I work out so hard. The joke is on me.

I'm still going to the gym on a consistent basis, although not every day. Five or six times a week, last week was seven days, but I'm taking today off from the gym because of a very late night last night. I decided sleep was more important this morning.

Speaking of the gym, I was reading the Health magazine and it said if you're over fifty, you have do do a minimum of sixty minutes a day of moderate exercise...and that's just to maintain your weight! All because our metabolism is slowing down drastically now. I always do an hour, but not EVERY day. Sucks to get old.

Time to get going to work. I just thought I'd drop by and let you all know I'm still here, still struggling, but I'll never, ever give up!

~Diana
174.8

same old shit - different day

Still here, still chugging - even though I have had a few semi bad days eating wise - but have at least managed to not get anywhere near my "maintainance" calorie limit.

My weightloss calorie limit is 2017 cals per day

My Maintainance cal limit is 3017.

So, I dont want to be getting anywhere near that swine!

I have had a few days in the mid 2000's which is... okayyyyyy..... but I want to lose more, so I have to kick my butt, and not slack here.

Talk about not slacking - I walked 5 miles on Sunday. It felt like 10 though! It was the roughest walk ever. The pathway was all dibbeted with horse hooves and rabbit holes and great clumps of grass. You couldn't enjoy the scenery as you were too busy looking down at the ground so as not to break your ankles! Thankfully after 4 miles (!) the track levelled out and it was pretty flat and dry. Trouble was I was so buggered from the 4 miles walking over the devil's scaly back I didnt enjoy those last 1600 paces.

Rough.

I am still absolutely stuffed. My ass aches and so does the back of my knees and shoulders. I just have to put it down to the rough terrain and all those funny muscles moving in a tense wierd way. I never get so achey or buggered after such a walk. I am going to stick to roads for the next few walks for sure.

News: Common OTC Medications are Making Women Fat!

Research found that some Common OTC drugs can increase Weight Gain

Just like many prescription drugs, over-the-counter drugs can increase weight by influencing factors such as appetite and fluid retention, cautions Jana Klauer, M.D.,weightloss and nutrition expert at St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital's Obesity Research Center in New York City.

Here are some common OTC drugs that can increase your Weight

Cough syrup = hidden carbs. A single dose of liquid cold formula can contain 19 carb grams. Spoonable cough and cold products can pack a surprising high-carb punch: In one analysis, a leading liquid multisymptom cold remedy was found to contain 19 grams of carbs per dose- just shy of the 20 grams many diets allot for the entire day!

Using such a product even once can shut off your body's ability to burn fat for 24 hours, says Mary Vernon, M.D., a member of the Atkins Physicians Council. Since syrups are top offenders, ask your pharmacist about alternatives that don't contain sugar.

Painkillers = water weight. Pain relievers like ibuprofen and naproxen can blunt the kidney's ability to process fluids, triggering bloat that can rapidly pack on pounds, explains Dr. Klauer. To dodge the risk, consider aspirin. A study of the effects of common OTC painkillers concluded that aspirin didn't hinder kidney function.

Allergy meds = trapped fat. Antihistamines such as diphenhydramine, found in allergy and sleep aids, can mean double trouble. They can fuel overeating by blocking appetite-controlling histamine, warns Dr. Klauer.

Also, they can boost levels of cortisol, which signals the body to produce the fat-storing hormone insulin, says Dr. Klauer. Next time your appetite soars while you're on antihistamines, discuss the options with your doctor. If you're suffering from stuffiness, for example, a decongestant may provide relief without sabotaging weight.

Is your Rx the problem? A research review in Obstetrics & Gynecology has dispelled the fear that the Pill causes major weight gain, but not all meds are off the hook. If you're mysteriously packing on pounds and taking one of the drugs below, which were identified in a Consumer Reports analysis, ask your doctor about a switch.

Medication                                                                 chance of weight gain
Tricyclic antidepressants (Elavil, Norpramin, Norfranil)     > 10%
Diabetes drugs (Diabinese, Glucotrol, Micronase)            > 10%
Corticosteroids (Cortone, Cortef, Deltasone)                   > 10%
SSRI antidepressants (Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft)                    4-10%
Osteoporosis drugs (Evista)

Alert: Plastic Containers can Sabotage Weight Loss!

Plastic Containers can Make you Fat!

Once heated, chemicals in plastic called phathalates and bisphenol A can leach into food. These estrogen-mimicking chemicals can throw hormones off kilter, triggering the storage of fat in the belly and thighs.

How you can avoid this:
To avoid problems, make sure food is cool before placing it in a plastic container (since leaching can start at temperatures as low as 45 degrees farenheight). And take items out of plastic containers before reheating them. Instead, transfer food to a ceramic or glass plate - these don't emit toxins when heated.

Gin and fags

I was out all morning yesterday until 2pm, and had walked - i dunno - but loads! I then invited my two girlfriends over for an impromptu lunch, and it was great. I made them my classic tomato sauce (tomatoes, fried in a little oil for ages, add basil and garlic, dump on pasta - easy!) and we had a nice time together.

They left at about 3:30 and then I cleaned the WHOLE house top to bottom and started cooking again because it was a welcome meal last night - Al's dad has come to visit him for the weekend. He brought with him some lovely wine and port, and beer and we did our best at getting rid of it.

As I knew it was going to be a bit of a soaked fest, I decided on making it a light-ish meal and went for wraps. I won't embarrass myself and say I made fajitas or Mexican because I just throw it together in my 'version' of a spicy chicken mixture and serve it up with sour cream, home made type of guacamole that's lighter on the hips, and some salsa.

It was the messiest dinner ever as the tortilla's we bought were absolutely shockingly bad - they were dry and snapped open as you rolled them! Total rubbish, so we ended up just eating them with knives and forks haha! I usually get the Old el Paso or the Mission ones, but this time I bought Discovery as they looked fine. I wont get them again thats for sure, they were just so brittle and really thin too.

Nevermind, it still tasted darn good!!

I had my daim bar treats too and came in at only 137cals over my limit for the day