Will lost

Ahhh guys, I really am struggling.

I was this morning 119kg, so no losses, and a bit of a gain since I bothered last time, but I am my own worst enemy.

I spend each day pretty much thus:

wake,
drink jasmine tea or black tea or black coffee

Possibly have lunch - maybe mashed potato with cheese, maybe a sandwich (prawn cocktail extra sauce on the side to help it down) maybe chicken noodle doodle packet soup. Usually nothing.

Mon/Tues/Wed
go to work, come home around 10pm order takeaway (current favorite, korma sauce for starter, followed by chicken madras and mushroom rice) or have a jacket potato with cheese and coleslaw + wine.

thursday/friday/sat/sunday
no work, so usually something I have made, but I rarely eat with the family. I like to wait, relax, take my time and eat at my pace on the sofa watching telly. I get myself a nice big pot of jasmine tea, my dinner, my favorite show that has been recorded on the sky+ and watch it.

Some meals I have made recently:
curry
spanakopita (spinach and cheese pie - greek dish, filo pastry etc)
waffles, beans, eggs & gammon
sausage & mash
jacket spuds
chicken salads

oh god its so depressing.

I don't know why I am even bothering to write this shit down.

I am in a rut, know I have to change but just simply can't be bothered. Yesterday for instance I had 3 cadburys crunchie bars, 1 bowl of chickpea curry (homemade), 2 fishcakes, and a bag of prawns in cocktail sauce and half a bottle of red wine.

Why did I pick those things? I dunno. They didn't make me feel any better, I wasn't eating them because I felt bad/emotional/happy/sad I just ate them as that was what was around.

I got fish and chips for my son and his mate who was sleeping over, DH got his own thing when he went out in the evening to a show, Charlotte had dinner at her mates house, and I made the curry with rice for Al. I had a bowl of that whilst he was eating his cos it was tasty but that was it.

I later made myself the prawn thing and sat down and watched Dirty dancing: Havana nights (sweet film).

I am not feeling particularly hungry, but if I try hard enough - and you girls know what i mean i am sure - I can get a large meal down me.

I have never got this restriction word. Like actually understood it. Is restriction when you eat it stops in your throat, or a full feeling? I mean it's 9:20am. I have had nothing to drink and am straight out of bed so if i got a slice of toast/mouthful of porridge/rusk/cornflakes or even yogurt it would go GLUNK and sit there for ages. Is that restriction??

If I have a jasmine tea or 2 and then a mouthful of toast/porridge/rusk/cornflakes or yogurt it will go down. I will feel it - like "is it, isn't it hmmm" kind of feel it and then I will be able to have another bite 2 minutes later etc.... Is that what I should do?

Cos you know, I can never be arsed. Cos its such a fucking palaver, I just don't bother. I am not hungry, so why eat? Is this the mistake??

I get peckish around about 11am and normally will get something - a biscuit, or soup or something safe. Maybe I just know this band too well and know its weaknesses and its loop holes.

I am still heavier than I was at my operation date which is nearly 4 years ago now. It will be 4 years in February.

Oh man that just makes me wanna cry. I am still paying off the loan that I took out to have this surgery. I only have another year of that and then it's gone. It just feels like money for nothing.

I dunno if it's me, whether I am just not cut out for the band and I should have had the bypass, or what. I know we had a chat with the surgeon and he asked me all the questions to see which would suit me and there were several in our 'production line' Belgian weightloss surgery package club who were advised to have RNY. But not me. He said it would be fine.

I think I am just born to be a a fat bastard, but I worry about so much stuff right now that this is one thing I don't think I can look at. I have ruined hair, clothes that don't fit me filling my draws and a 2 week holiday looming down on me which is all inclusive and I have nothing to wear on and no money to change  the situation with.

I am getting to the point where I really really do think that this isn't going to work for me now. I had hoped after unfilling my band for those 4 months would re-open the window of opportunity but it's not doing it the same as before. I just don't know what to do. Should I have another fill so that I am tighter than a ducks arse and only able to 'eat' fluids?? 

Should I be following some kind of diet?

Everyone higher up (fill nurse, doctors and even Dr. Dillemans) says that you just eat normally. I don't know what normal is. I don't seem to be able to control myself to eat the right things.

Maybe if I had a RNY I would get my act together because of the horrible side effects if I didn't. But maybe I would just find the loop holes again.

I really don't know which way is up. I don't really want placitudes, or hope, or help, I just needed to tell you all that this is the situation right now.

If I had £6k I would be on the way to Belgium I think. The only thing is, I am really scared of RNY surgery because my dad had bowel cancer and the stitches came undone inside him when they put his bowel back together and he nearly died by shitting inside his body cavity (see older posts). Apparently this is common.

Now I know RNY is not the bowel as such, but they do chop a bit and stitch it somewhere else right? What if it came undone?????????? this is what I am worried about. I would also want Dr. Dillemans to do the surgery in Belgium as I think its so much cleaner etc, but it's Belgium and if I had a problem what would happen???

I might go and visit my doctor and ask her. I mean people emigrate all the time so they cant like refuse to treat you right?

Or am I just chasing a dream that is unrealistic. Does it really matter? I have a son and husband who love and adore me and although my legs are starting to mottle with broken starburst veins from my lupus.... I am not going to die too young am I?

From Lupus information sheet: 
Heart disease is more common than expected in patients with lupus and affects up to 10% of patients. Overall it is a factor in 30% of deaths in patients with lupus. Studies suggest that women aged 35-44 years with SLE are 50 times more likely to have a myocardial infarction (heart attack) than healthy women of the same age. Risk factors should be addressed eg stopping smoking, losing weight. High blood pressure should be lowered and any other contributory factors (such as the anti-phospholipid antibodies which cause 'sticky blood') treated.

I have systemic lupus and also anti-phospholipid syndrome. I am also 34 years old.

The outlook is pretty fucking bleak.

Ok, I am gunna stop now. I don't seem to be able to keep my will strong and pro the cause long enough to make a difference and I don't know how I can change my inner drive so that it will stay the course.

Mind transplant?

How Does Weight Loss Work?

Dr. Catherine Itsiopoulos, from the Dietitians Association of Australia, explains: “Weight loss works by burning up more energy (with increase in exercise) and taking in less energy (with improving food quality and reducing quantity). To lose weight and keep it off you need to make long-term lifestyle changes that are realistic and achievable and can be maintained in the long-term.”

THE RULES

1. Eat before you get too hungry, as not doing so can lead to overeating.
   
   


2. Eat slowly, chew food well and stop eating when you are comfortably full.
   
   


3. Eat a diet containing lots of vegetables, salads and fresh fruit.
   
   


4. Choose wholegrain breads and cereals, which are more filling and nutritious.
   
   


5. Choose low-fat dairy foods. Try yogurt for a nutritious calcium-rich snack, or a glass of milk in the evenings to satisfy a sweet tooth when you’re craving dessert.
   
   


6. Eat small portions of lean red meat, or a serving of skinless chicken, and have fish a couple of times a week: Try tinned salmon on a wholegrain roll with plenty of salad for lunch.
   
   


7. Drink plenty of water to stay well hydrated, and avoid sugary drinks.
   
   

Persimmon Snack

During this time of year, my grandfather has a tree FULL of persimmons.  We use some for Thanksgiving when my mom makes her famous Persimmon Chocolate Chip Cookies--everyone looks forward to them. But after the big meal, we have a lot of fruit left to get creative with.

The downside of the Hachiya Persimmons is that they are astringent until they are fully ripe.  If you wait for them to ripen on the tree, you have oodles of persimmons ready to eat NOW and it's impossible to keep up with them since they are fragile when ripe. So you have to pick them when they are still hard and wait for them to ripen. And wait, and wait, and wait...

You might wonder what astringent tastes like? Imagine sucking on your toner saturated cotton ball after washing your face. *Pucker up* Hachiya's are very deceptive too.  On the outside, they look yummy and ready to eat. But they are very astringent until they are squishy with ripeness.

The following were picked two weeks ago and are still hard as rocks.  Aren't they pretty? One little lick and you'd be gagging.

One thing you can do instead of waiting for these babies to ripen is to dehydrate them. For some reason, even though they are hard and bitter, after they are dehydrated, the astringency is gone and a sweet, nutritious, dried treat remains.

astringent-inedible-nasty

sweet-chewy-satisfying

**Not to be confused with the Fuyu Persimmon. (Below) They are sweet when they are hard. Notice how they have flat, pointless bottoms unlike the Hachiya above.  They're ready to eat as soon as they turn orange.  I tend to get impatient so I have to admit, I like the Fuyu better.  I think we might have to plant a tree too. (I've gobbled a couple of these already today.)

Check out this great Wiki article about persimmons. 

Make The Right Choices For A Healthier, Dtronger and Fitter Body

Cut your salt

New research shows salt is sneaking into our diets, putting us at risk of heart disease, high blood pressure and stroke. Experts at Sydney’s The George Institute found more than 70 percent of processed meats, cheese and sauces contain high levels of sodium. Lisa Renn from the Dietitians Association of Australia says: “The recommended upper limit is 2,300 mg of sodium per day or about 1.5 tsp of salt – much less than our average intake of 3,450 mg.” Slash your salt with these tips:

• Compare food labels “Go for low-salt, reduced-salt or salt-free products and choose foods with 400 mg to 500 mg or lower sodium content per 100 g,” advises Renn.
  
  


• Go fresh Fresh, unprocessed fruits, vegetables, lean meat and seafood are low in sodium and rich in potassium, which buffers the negative effects of salt in the body.
  
  


• Up the flavour Add herbs and spices for flavour. “They’re low in sodium, but high in Vitamins, minerals and phytonutrients,” says Renn.
  
  


• Skip salt ‘substitutes’ Sea, onion, celery and garlic salts are not low-sodium. “With sea salt, you’re getting sodium but without the iodine in normal salt, so it’s better to just cut out added salt rather than looking for an alternative,” says Renn.
  
  

Fast Food = Fast Weight Gain

Most of the fast food companies operating in Australia are aware of society’s increased interest in nutrition over the past decade, and therefore provide Nutrition Information Panels on their products for consumers. Other chains have printed information or forms that you can request. Having these Nutrition Information Panels on their packaging can appeal to the health conscious individual, but what do these numbers really mean? Ask yourself; if you have read one of these labels before, have you been able to interpret the impact on your nutritional needs?

An average Australian male requires 2000 - 2200 calories per day, to maintain a healthy weight. The average McDonald’s takeaway meal provides approximately 1200 calories (60% of an average male’s energy requirement). For an overweight female trying to lose 0.5kg per week, these 1200 calories are equivalent to her daily suggested calorie intake.

The table below outlines the number of calories that are contained within four typical fast food meals compared with the calorie count of  four comparable home made meals. 

As a guide, no more than approximately a third of your fat intake should be coming from saturated fat (6). For an average male, this equates to approximately 20 - 25g of saturated fat per day. For a female, following a 1200 calorie meal plan, this is approximately 12g saturated fat per day – with each of the below takeaway meals providing significantly greater amounts.

The table below highlights the saturated fat content contained within the same four fast food meals compared with the home made variations.

Not only are takeaway foods calorie and fat dense, they also distort our concept of meal portions from an early age. Promoting larger meals at cheaper prices, it encourages people to consume far beyond our nutritional limits.

References

1. Calculated per ‘McDonalds: Nutrition - Know Your Food’ available at http://mcdonalds.com.au/our-food/nutrition
2. Calculated per ‘Calorie Count’ available at http://caloriecount.about.com/
3. Calculated per ‘KFC Nutrition Information’ available at http://www.kfc.com.au/nutrition/index.aspx
4. Calculated per ‘Hungry Jacks Menu available at http://www.hungryjacks.com.au/menu.php
5. Calculated per ‘Subway’ Nutrition Information available at http://www.subway.com.au/info/our_menu/nutritional_information/
6. The Heart Foundation. Where to find Healthier Fats. 15th October 2011 available at http://www.heartfoundation.org.au/sites/HealthyEating/understandingfatsandcholesterol/Pages/Wheretofindhealthierfats.aspx

Some things work, some don't...this one didn't

Askfirmation versus Affirmation? Well, it was a swell idea, but it didn't work for me this morning. In fact, it had the reverse desired effect.

I woke up at my usual 4:40 a.m. intending to get up and get to the gym by 5 a.m. Instead of my normal self-talk of "get up, get going and just don't think about it", I had a debate with myself.

I thought about how I didn't have to go workout, that I could think about it, and asked myself "when would I work out today?" After falling back to sleep and waking up at 5:30 a.m., I thought about it some more. The bottom line, I made it to the gym by 6:20 a.m. This is unacceptable.

If you think I'm being too hard on myself, trust me, it's really easy for me to fall back into old, bad habits. Although I've been exercising consistently for three years, it doesn't take much to convince me it's not a necessity. I'm easily swayed. Look Diana, shiny object!

Exercise is a necessity for me. It's the only thing I've done consistently for three years. I try to eat right most of the time, but obviously I mess that one up pretty often (or I'd be skinny by now).

As far as when I exercise, it's not up for discussion. I exercise in the morning. Period. I need to be at the gym by 5:30 a.m., or 6 a.m. at the very latest. This has been working for me so I don't know why I thought it was necessary to change things. Some things should stay the same.

The Big Climb
I know I keep talking about this but I'm really excited the Big Climb. So far I have 20 people signed up to participate as part of a corporate team, and today was the first day I posted it.

We're going to plan a fundraiser breakfast. I also found out today I might be able to get my company give matching funds. Maybe. I'm setting a fundraising goal of $5,000. I know that's pretty high but that's what the Light of the Night group was able to raise for cancer last summer. I hope my team can the same.

Facebook & Twitter
Since I want to get the word out on The Big Climb, I'm going to join the 21st century and start posting on my Facebook and Twitter accounts. I've had these accounts set up for a long time, but basically I'm just a stalker. I never post anything, I just read about other people's lives. Hopefully this will help get the word out about the Big Climb.

The links to my Twitter and Facebook are in the upper right corner. Please friend me or follow me or whatever the heck you call it. I'd really appreciate it!

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