Learning to love....myself

Since I didn't feel very good this morning, I decided to stay home from work today. Instead, I curled up in front of the TV where I discovered Ruby on Netflix. I had a Ruby marathon. I've never watched her show. I spent three hours watching Ruby and her weight struggles, and reading weight loss blogs.  It was a perfect day.

Around 3pm I decided I'd better go to the gym. Watching Ruby kind of scared me. Ruby and I have too much in common. I can see how I could easily slip into my old lifestyle, eating poorly and not exercising daily.

After the gym I went to Barnes and Noble. I had to have the 4HB book right now. 4HB is The 4-Hour Body: An Uncommon Guide to Rapid Fat-Loss, Incredible Sex, and Becoming Superhuman. I know, silly title, but a few people have recommended it and it seems to be working for them. I thought maybe something new would work for me since I've been struggling for the last several months.

The 4HB book is a huge hardback, very thick and very large. I glanced through it, looking at the graphs and charts, skimming through the book, reading a few sentences here and there. Then I stood there and stared at all those weight loss books. There are several shelves of this type of book, each one promising a miracle. I recognized several of them since I already own them, some I've read, some I've started but never finished.

As I held the 4HB book in my hands, I thought, do I really need this? Is this the book that will fix me? I didn't like some of the things I read. It sounded really restrictive, with a cheat day. I've never been good with a cheat day. I just don't like the idea of throwing away a week's worth of work to cheat on one day.

Then a book caught my eye. "A Course In Weight Loss". Then I saw the author's name and almost didn't even pull the book off the shelf. It's by Marianne Williamson. I saw her years ago on Oprah. I had an immediate dislike for her new age religion mumbo jumbo. Actually, I often have a dislike for someone that Oprah gushes over and promotes. I'm sure Oprah is a nice person in real life, but honestly, sometimes she annoys me on her TV show.

I opened the book and realized I had looked at it before, and didn't purchase it because of the author. I flipped the book open to page 93 and read the following:

Lesson 7:  Love Your Body


Love, and love only, produces miracles. Your primary work in doing this course is to identify where there is a lack of love in your life, and be willing to address it.


That includes your love of self, and your body is part of who you are If you love your body when you're thin but hate it when you're not, then you love yourself conditionally, which is not love at all. If you can't love your body, you can't really love yourself.


"But how can I love my body when I hate the way it looks?" you might ask.


Begin by asking yourself:  What are you hating your body for?  For being overweight? It didn't do this to you; you did this to it! You haven't been abused by your body; your body has been abused by you. And yet, unlike you, it has continued to hold up its side of the relationship. It has continued to function as best it can, even though you have made it harder. It has borne excess pounds, even though it has been a burden to do so. And it has continued to support you, even though you have often failed to support it.

Is it your body you hate, or its size? And since all negative emotions derive from fear, if you hate your body, you must fear something. What is that? Do you fear ridicule? Or is your deeper fear--one that overrides your fear of being overweight--a fear that you'll be punished if you try to "play big" in life? Again, what are you afraid of?

I was hooked. It was like she was speaking directly to me. I know I need to learn how to love myself right now. Not when I lose another thirty or forty pounds, but right now, as I am this very moment. I need to get over the constant hate of myself. What I've been doing isn't working for me. It's not the life I want to live. I want to learn how to love...starting with me.

Why I'm so hard on myself

Originally, the comments were off on this post, but I seriously hate it when someone posts something and I have something to say and can't. Makes me just a bit crazy. So I turned the comments back on, in case there are other nut cases out there like me. :)

I've been thinking about writing this post for a very long time, probably years.

Almost weekly I get a comment on my blog that's basically the same thing, asking me the same questions:  Diana, why are you so hard on yourself? Why don't you love yourself for who you are now?

I get these same comments in my real world too. Well meaning friends often ask me why I'm so negative about myself, why I'm continually putting myself down, beating myself up over my weight as well as many other things. Even when I had lunch with Grace and Roxie in March, Roxie said the same thing to me (said with compassion).

I know these comments and questions about how I don't value myself are said from the heart and meant to help me. For some reason that I can't explain, I find them hurtful. I usually immediately get defensive and almost always want to cry because I know it's true. I know it's really stupid to feel hurt, and it doesn't make any sense to anyone except to me.

It's feels like in addition to being fat, stupid, and ugly, now I have a personality flaw:  I don't value myself.

I realize that people who say these things to me don't really mean it as an insult, they're merely trying to help me and boost my self-confidence. I hold nothing against anyone who has made these types of comments or asked these questions. If anything, I know you're compassionate and caring.

I really wish I knew why I feel this way about myself. I guess I just don't see what other people see. I look at pictures of myself or look in the mirror or even look at my soul. I don't see anyone worthwhile or attractive or even healthy. I see a fat, middle-aged woman barely hanging on.

I know this is something I need to work on, just not today.

Greek Tostada

(makes 4 servings)

Ingredients:

• 1 tbsp olive oil or vegetable oil
  
  


• 1 tsp fresh lemon juice
  
  


• ¼ tsp paprika
  
  


• Dash salt
  
  


• Dash freshly ground pepper
  
  


• 4 medium, skinless and boneless chicken breasts
  
  


• 2 whole wheat pita bread rounds (4” diameter), split and toasted
  
  


• ¾ cup tomato, coarsely chopped
  
  


• ½ cup cucumber, chopped
  
  


• ½ red onion, chopped
  
  


• ⅓ cup crumbled feta cheese
  
  

Hummus ingredients:

• 1 (15 oz.) can garbanzo beans, drained and rinsed
  
  


• ½ cup fresh cilantro, chopped
  
  


• 3 tbsp fresh lemon juice
  
  


• 3 tbsp water
  
  


• 2 cloves garlic, peeled and chopped
  
  


• ⅛ tsp salt
  
  

Preparation:

• Combine oil, lemon juice, paprika, salt and pepper in a small bowl.
  
  


• Place chicken in broiler pan and brush each side with the oil mixture. Broil chicken about 4“ from heat until meat is tender and no longer pink (about 10 minutes), turning once. Cool chicken slightly then coarsely chop.
  
  


• Make the hummus: Combine all hummus ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth.
  
  


• To serve, spread hummus over toasted pita halves and top with chicken, tomato, cucumber, red onions and feta cheese.
  
  

Make 4 Servings:

Weight loss recipes Amount Per Serving(¼ of recipe (325 g)): 436 Calories, 4 g Protein, 46 g carbohydrates, 9 g Dietary Fiber, 1 g fat, 3 g saturated fat, 79 mg cholesterol, 683 mg sodium

I want to write a good post, I really do

I had a plan for a thoughtful post tonight, based around a really kind and sweet comment I received yesterday (thank you Rebecca!).

I had an exhausting two days sitting in a training class where I was bored out of my mind. For some reason, that just wore me out and now I just want to sleep.

In addition, my lower back and is killing me, and it's because of a new exercise I tried yesterday. The inch worm. It looked simple in the book. Just stand up, feet flat on the floor, shoulder width, and bend over from your waist. Put your palms flat on the floor in front of your feet. Don't bend your knees. Walk out your hands (right, left, right, etc.), until you're in a full pushup position but walk your hands out even further out i front of you, then walk your hands back until you're bent at the waist again. Sounds really easy, right?

The guy in the video isn't really doing it correctly because he's bending his knees, they're suppose to be straight, but you get the idea. I only did six reps but thought I was going to die. It's suppose to be for your abs, so I must have been doing it wrong because it's my back that hurts.



My lower back is in total agony from this exercise. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I guess I pulled something or used a muscle I didn't know I had back there. Anyway, I don't think I like this exercise.

I'm going to do some stretches, take a couple aspirin and go to bed. Thoughtful post tomorrow. :)

Ginger Garlic Beef

(makes 4 servings)

Ingredients:

• 8 ounces lean top round steak
  
  


• ½ cup reduced sodium beef broth
  
  


• 3 tbsp reduced sodium soy sauce
  
  


• 3 cups fresh broccoli florets
  
  


• 2½ tsp cornstarch
  
  


• 4 green onions, sliced in 1” pieces
  
  


• 1 tbsp vegetable oil or olive oil
  
  


• 1 tsp grated fresh ginger
  
  


• 1 clove garlic, smashed
  
  


• 1 cup sliced mushrooms
  
  


• 1 tsp sugar
  
  


• Low-fat cooking spray
  
  

Preparation:

• Wrap steak in plastic wrap then place in a freezer for about 30 minutes to partially freeze to make it easier to slice.
  
  


• Trim off any excess fat then thinly slice beef into small pieces.
  
  


• Whisk together the soy sauce, ginger, sugar, cornstarch and garlic in a small bowl, set aside.
  
  


• Spray a large-sized skillet with low-fat cooking spray then heat to medium-high heat. Add broccoli, mushrooms and green onions, stir-fry until broccoli is crisp-tender (about 4 minutes). Remove vegetables from skillet and set aside.
  
  


• Add beef to skillet and stir-fry for 3 minutes or until browned on both sides. Stir in the soy sauce mixture then cook until thickened and bubbling. Add vegetables into skillet and stir together until heated through then serve warm.
  
  

Tip: Serve over cooked rice or Asian noodles.

Make 4 Servings:

Weight loss recipes Amount Per Serving(¼ of recipe (194 g)): 153 Calories, 17 g Protein, 9 g carbohydrates, 1 g Dietary Fiber, 6 g fat, 1 g saturated fat, 32 mg cholesterol, 513 mg sodium

Garlic Shrimp with Noodles

(makes 4 servings)

Ingredients:

• 1 tbsp vegetable oil or olive oil
  
  


• 3 cloves garlic, peeled and chopped
  
  


• 1 lb. uncooked shrimp, peeled and de-veined
  
  


• ⅔ cup shredded carrot
  
  


• 2 tbsp cilantro, chopped
  
  


• 16 oz. egg noodles
  
  


• Pepper and Salt to taste
  
  

Preparation:

• Cook the noodles according to package directions, drain, set aside.
  
  


• In a medium skillet, heat oil to medium-high heat.
  
  


• Add garlic and stir-fry for about 1 minute then add shrimp and stir-fry for about 1-2 minutes.
  
  


• Add shredded carrot and stir-fry until shrimp is pink (about 2-3 minutes) and cooked through.
  
  


• Stir in cilantro, add pepper and salt to taste then serve over cooked noodles.
  
  

Make 4 Servings:

Weight loss recipes Amount Per Serving(¼ of recipe (137 g)): 162 Calories, 2 g Protein, 4 g carbohydrates, 1 g Dietary Fiber, 6 g fat, 1 g saturated fat, 172 mg cholesterol, 175 mg sodium

Learning from my past

Reading some of my old posts from when I started Weight Watchers in 2008 made me realize just how obsessed I was back then on getting to goal. There was no stopping me (so what the hell has happened?).

In five short months I lost 60 pounds. On February 19, 2008 I weighed 239 and on July 7, 2008 I weighed 179. I was down 60 pounds. By February of 2009 I had lost a total of 84 pounds and weighed 154.6. I wasn't obese or even overweight, I had a normal BMI. For about five minutes as my weight starting bouncing up and down for the next two years.

After reading some of my old posts from that first year I saw some huge differences in what I was doing then versus what I'm doing now.

  Tracking what I eat.

Then:  I was fanatical about tracking my food. I weighed and measure EVERYTHING and used the online eTools to keep track.

Now:  I often start out the day with the best intentions to track every bite, but usually by late afternoon I quit tracking. I often don't tack anything after lunch ad get very sloppy about weighing and measuring my food. I guess on portion sizes, which is a huge mistake.

Exercise

Then:  I was a crazy woman about exercise.

Now:  I'm still pretty crazy about exercise. Although reading about my workouts in 2008 versus my workouts now, I was really into trying different routines, new exercises. At the moment I'm in a bit of a rut. I work out on most days, but it's basically always the same routine.

Meetings

Then:  I rarely missed a Weight Watcher meeting.

Now: I seem to continually come up with excuses to skip meetings. I wasn't going to go yesterday (Saturday), but my husband asked me point blank, "why do you keep paying $40 a month and you hardly ever go to a meeting?". I went to the meeting, and I was one of the best meetings I've ever been too.

Blogging

Then:  I read a lot of blogs back then and left comments on those other logs. I had a lot more readers that left comments.. I remember how much so many people there helped me along my path. People were always encouraging and kind.

I posted on my own blog almost every day.

Now:  I have a few faithful folks out there that leave comments, but I haven't been returning the favor like I did in the past. I know how much I appreciate comments, so I'm pretty sure the rest of the bloggers feel the same way. In the blogging world what goes around comes around.

I think about blogging every day, but I often go days without posting anything.

 Enthusiasm

Then:  I had really high hopes for getting to my goal weight. I was excited, and I just knew I'd make it.

Now:  Lately I've been overridden with guilt for gaining weight, and fear that I won't be able to stop the weight gain. My enthusiasm has dwindled to almost nothing.

Goal Setting

Then: I was always setting mini goals for myself and even though I didn't always make them, at least I tried.

Now: I don't set goals, or if I do, I don't even try.

Health Eating Guidelines

Then:  I really paid attention to Weight Watchers Healthy Eating guidelines. I took them seriously.

Now:  I try halfheartedly, but since I don't keep track of my food, I'm obviously not keeping track of the healthy eating guidelines foods (ex. 2 teaspoons of healthy oil, three dairies etc). 

Posting my weekly weighins

Then:  I posted my weight every week.

Now: I almost can't remember the last time I posted an official Weight Watcher weighin.

My self-assessment of where I am now

The last several months I haven't really been trying to lose weight. I feel like I've barely been hanging on.

I know what to do and how to do it. I have a proven track record that shows I'm capable of losing weight. I say I want to lose weight, but I don't make the effort it takes to get there. I know that losing weight takes hard work. Just like most good things in life, you have to work for it. It doesn't just happen.

Basically, I have a lot of work to do. I need to address every one of the items above. Those are the things that worked for me in the past and they can work for me again.