rar

small roar.

Like what a lion would do if someone said to a sad lion in a cage "GROWL SUCKER!"

rar.

Like... um, yeah.

Feeling a tad shit. No real reason, just the usual. Weightloss about 100g a month so pretty rubbish.

"The right way though" I hear you say.

Yeah, it's the right way. Hopefully by April 2036 I will be at goal. Who knows. Seems a little far off if ya know what I mean.

Do you know what I mean?

I just keep rolling that "4 years maaaaannnn" over in my head and feeling like a failure. No, not a failure, like I was failed. I feel cheated again and miserable.

*Massive sigh*.

On a positive note, having a fill tomorrow. Cant freaking afford it at all, but what the heck.

Just so you know how much I can eat, at breakfast time, with a band... check this out:

Do I feel guilty? Hell yeah!!! I should not be able to eat this shit. The only plus is that it was 100% homemade, organic everything and the bread was my own too. Yeah, I know - doesn't matter a fig does it.

Hence the fill... I am thinking 0.25ml...

I need a boost. And quick.

Grilled Halibut with Jicama Salsa

(makes 6 servings)

Ingredients for jicama salsa:

• 2 cups peeled and chopped jicama
  
  


• 1 tbsp fresh cilantro, chopped
  
  


• 1 tbsp lime juice
  
  


• 1½ tsp chili powder
  
  


• ¼ tsp salt
  
  


• 1 cucumber, peeled and chopped
  
  


• 1 orange, peeled and chopped
  
  

Basic ingredients:

• 2 tbsp olive oil
  
  


• 2 tbsp fresh lime juice
  
  


• ½ tsp dried thyme
  
  


• ½ tsp dried basil
  
  


• ⅛ tsp dried rosemary
  
  


• 6 (6 oz.) halibut filets
  
  

Preparation:

• In a large-sized bowl Mix all jicama salsa ingredients, cover and refrigerate for about 2 hours.
  
  


• In a large shallow glass baking dish, place fish filets. Whisk together oil, lime juice, and herbs. Pour marinade over fish, cover, and refrigerate 2-4 hours.
  
  


• Preheat grill.
  
  


• Oil grilling rack, and adjust height to between 4” – 6” from heat. Remove fish from marinade, and place on grill.


• Cook until fish flakes with a fork (about 10 minutes per inch of thickness).
  
  


• Turn once to brown both sides. Serve fish with jicama salsa.
  
  

Make 6 Servings:

Weight loss recipes Amount Per Serving(1/6 of recipe (302 g)): 264 Calories, 36 g Protein, 9 g carbohydrates, 3 g Dietary Fiber, 9 g fat, 1 g saturated fat, 54 mg cholesterol, 192 mg sodium

Grilled Beef Satay with Peanut Sauce

(makes 4 servings)

Ingredients:

• 1¼ pounds flank steak
  
  


• ½ tsp (divided) hot pepper sauce (such as Tabasco sauce)
  
  


• ⅓cup light teriyaki sauce
  
  


• 4 green onions, sliced in 1” pieces
  
  


• 2 tbsp reduced-fat peanut butter
  
  


• 1 red bell pepper, seeded and cut into small-sized pieces
  
  


• 3 tbsp water
  
  

Preparation:

• Prepare grill.
  
  


• Trim excess fat from steak and thinly slice diagonally across the grain.
  
  


• Prepare marinade: Combine teriyaki sauce and ¼ tsp hot pepper sauce in a medium bowl. Add the steak slices and stir to coat evenly. Cover and refrigerate for 30 minutes.
  
  


• Thread steak slices in accordion style on skewers then alternate with green onions and bell pepper. Reserve marinade.
  
  


• Grill skewers until steak is slightly pink in the middle.
  
  


• Combine peanut butter, water, ¼ tsp hot pepper sauce and 2 tbsp of the reserved marinade in a small-sized saucepan. Heat to medium-high heat and cook until heated through.
  
  


• Remove steak and vegetables from skewers and serve with peanut sauce.
  
  

Make 4 Servings:

Weight loss recipes Amount Per Serving(¼ of recipe (217 g)): 297 Calories, 33 g Protein, 8 g carbohydrates, 1 g Dietary Fiber, 15 g fat, 5 g saturated fat, 71 mg cholesterol, 975 mg sodium

Learning to love....myself

Since I didn't feel very good this morning, I decided to stay home from work today. Instead, I curled up in front of the TV where I discovered Ruby on Netflix. I had a Ruby marathon. I've never watched her show. I spent three hours watching Ruby and her weight struggles, and reading weight loss blogs.  It was a perfect day.

Around 3pm I decided I'd better go to the gym. Watching Ruby kind of scared me. Ruby and I have too much in common. I can see how I could easily slip into my old lifestyle, eating poorly and not exercising daily.

After the gym I went to Barnes and Noble. I had to have the 4HB book right now. 4HB is The 4-Hour Body: An Uncommon Guide to Rapid Fat-Loss, Incredible Sex, and Becoming Superhuman. I know, silly title, but a few people have recommended it and it seems to be working for them. I thought maybe something new would work for me since I've been struggling for the last several months.

The 4HB book is a huge hardback, very thick and very large. I glanced through it, looking at the graphs and charts, skimming through the book, reading a few sentences here and there. Then I stood there and stared at all those weight loss books. There are several shelves of this type of book, each one promising a miracle. I recognized several of them since I already own them, some I've read, some I've started but never finished.

As I held the 4HB book in my hands, I thought, do I really need this? Is this the book that will fix me? I didn't like some of the things I read. It sounded really restrictive, with a cheat day. I've never been good with a cheat day. I just don't like the idea of throwing away a week's worth of work to cheat on one day.

Then a book caught my eye. "A Course In Weight Loss". Then I saw the author's name and almost didn't even pull the book off the shelf. It's by Marianne Williamson. I saw her years ago on Oprah. I had an immediate dislike for her new age religion mumbo jumbo. Actually, I often have a dislike for someone that Oprah gushes over and promotes. I'm sure Oprah is a nice person in real life, but honestly, sometimes she annoys me on her TV show.

I opened the book and realized I had looked at it before, and didn't purchase it because of the author. I flipped the book open to page 93 and read the following:

Lesson 7:  Love Your Body


Love, and love only, produces miracles. Your primary work in doing this course is to identify where there is a lack of love in your life, and be willing to address it.


That includes your love of self, and your body is part of who you are If you love your body when you're thin but hate it when you're not, then you love yourself conditionally, which is not love at all. If you can't love your body, you can't really love yourself.


"But how can I love my body when I hate the way it looks?" you might ask.


Begin by asking yourself:  What are you hating your body for?  For being overweight? It didn't do this to you; you did this to it! You haven't been abused by your body; your body has been abused by you. And yet, unlike you, it has continued to hold up its side of the relationship. It has continued to function as best it can, even though you have made it harder. It has borne excess pounds, even though it has been a burden to do so. And it has continued to support you, even though you have often failed to support it.

Is it your body you hate, or its size? And since all negative emotions derive from fear, if you hate your body, you must fear something. What is that? Do you fear ridicule? Or is your deeper fear--one that overrides your fear of being overweight--a fear that you'll be punished if you try to "play big" in life? Again, what are you afraid of?

I was hooked. It was like she was speaking directly to me. I know I need to learn how to love myself right now. Not when I lose another thirty or forty pounds, but right now, as I am this very moment. I need to get over the constant hate of myself. What I've been doing isn't working for me. It's not the life I want to live. I want to learn how to love...starting with me.

Why I'm so hard on myself

Originally, the comments were off on this post, but I seriously hate it when someone posts something and I have something to say and can't. Makes me just a bit crazy. So I turned the comments back on, in case there are other nut cases out there like me. :)

I've been thinking about writing this post for a very long time, probably years.

Almost weekly I get a comment on my blog that's basically the same thing, asking me the same questions:  Diana, why are you so hard on yourself? Why don't you love yourself for who you are now?

I get these same comments in my real world too. Well meaning friends often ask me why I'm so negative about myself, why I'm continually putting myself down, beating myself up over my weight as well as many other things. Even when I had lunch with Grace and Roxie in March, Roxie said the same thing to me (said with compassion).

I know these comments and questions about how I don't value myself are said from the heart and meant to help me. For some reason that I can't explain, I find them hurtful. I usually immediately get defensive and almost always want to cry because I know it's true. I know it's really stupid to feel hurt, and it doesn't make any sense to anyone except to me.

It's feels like in addition to being fat, stupid, and ugly, now I have a personality flaw:  I don't value myself.

I realize that people who say these things to me don't really mean it as an insult, they're merely trying to help me and boost my self-confidence. I hold nothing against anyone who has made these types of comments or asked these questions. If anything, I know you're compassionate and caring.

I really wish I knew why I feel this way about myself. I guess I just don't see what other people see. I look at pictures of myself or look in the mirror or even look at my soul. I don't see anyone worthwhile or attractive or even healthy. I see a fat, middle-aged woman barely hanging on.

I know this is something I need to work on, just not today.

Greek Tostada

(makes 4 servings)

Ingredients:

• 1 tbsp olive oil or vegetable oil
  
  


• 1 tsp fresh lemon juice
  
  


• ¼ tsp paprika
  
  


• Dash salt
  
  


• Dash freshly ground pepper
  
  


• 4 medium, skinless and boneless chicken breasts
  
  


• 2 whole wheat pita bread rounds (4” diameter), split and toasted
  
  


• ¾ cup tomato, coarsely chopped
  
  


• ½ cup cucumber, chopped
  
  


• ½ red onion, chopped
  
  


• ⅓ cup crumbled feta cheese
  
  

Hummus ingredients:

• 1 (15 oz.) can garbanzo beans, drained and rinsed
  
  


• ½ cup fresh cilantro, chopped
  
  


• 3 tbsp fresh lemon juice
  
  


• 3 tbsp water
  
  


• 2 cloves garlic, peeled and chopped
  
  


• ⅛ tsp salt
  
  

Preparation:

• Combine oil, lemon juice, paprika, salt and pepper in a small bowl.
  
  


• Place chicken in broiler pan and brush each side with the oil mixture. Broil chicken about 4“ from heat until meat is tender and no longer pink (about 10 minutes), turning once. Cool chicken slightly then coarsely chop.
  
  


• Make the hummus: Combine all hummus ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth.
  
  


• To serve, spread hummus over toasted pita halves and top with chicken, tomato, cucumber, red onions and feta cheese.
  
  

Make 4 Servings:

Weight loss recipes Amount Per Serving(¼ of recipe (325 g)): 436 Calories, 4 g Protein, 46 g carbohydrates, 9 g Dietary Fiber, 1 g fat, 3 g saturated fat, 79 mg cholesterol, 683 mg sodium

I want to write a good post, I really do

I had a plan for a thoughtful post tonight, based around a really kind and sweet comment I received yesterday (thank you Rebecca!).

I had an exhausting two days sitting in a training class where I was bored out of my mind. For some reason, that just wore me out and now I just want to sleep.

In addition, my lower back and is killing me, and it's because of a new exercise I tried yesterday. The inch worm. It looked simple in the book. Just stand up, feet flat on the floor, shoulder width, and bend over from your waist. Put your palms flat on the floor in front of your feet. Don't bend your knees. Walk out your hands (right, left, right, etc.), until you're in a full pushup position but walk your hands out even further out i front of you, then walk your hands back until you're bent at the waist again. Sounds really easy, right?

The guy in the video isn't really doing it correctly because he's bending his knees, they're suppose to be straight, but you get the idea. I only did six reps but thought I was going to die. It's suppose to be for your abs, so I must have been doing it wrong because it's my back that hurts.



My lower back is in total agony from this exercise. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I guess I pulled something or used a muscle I didn't know I had back there. Anyway, I don't think I like this exercise.

I'm going to do some stretches, take a couple aspirin and go to bed. Thoughtful post tomorrow. :)