Unfill booked

Right, my next trip to Harley street is on the 10th August at 1:00pm.
That's worked out well actually. we will be on the way back from my mums house on the Sunday anyway, so stopping off at Harley street on the way is purrrfect!

Yesterday was bad news. I got home from the meeting and went to bed with 4 trash magazines, a bottle of wine, a bar of cadburys caramel (not a little bar... the big 500g one!), a box of pringles and 3 packets of Worcester sauce flavour crisps and a 5 pack of kit kat chunky's!

I felt like total crap yesterday, emotionally, physically and mentally. I felt like I needed to go away for a while. I felt like I wanted to be on my own and have my own space for a while, do what I want to do and think about no one else. so it was nice having a couple of hours in bed on my own enjoying rubbish.

However, this morning I feel disappointed with myself. Sue really upset me and I was kicking back at her remarks. She is slim, 60, never had a weight problem and apparently all I needed to do was control my portions. Its easy apparently. I just needed to have a small piece of grilled protein and a salad and I would be fine. Now, I am so upset! Why didn't I just try and stop eating so much? OMG like I never thought of that. I have had a lap band. DEAR ME! Does she really think that I haven't tried EVERY DAMN THING IN THE WORLD.

There is not 1 thin person on earth that understands where fat people like me are coming from. I mean, if you got a bunch of us fatties together in a room, the reasons we all eat are so different from one another that even WE don't know why we do it, so how the HECK does she think she knows. I was furious.
I told her that for me, it was the swallowing part I love and infact it didn't matter what the food was I would just like to eat it. Apparently I was wrong, and I didnt enjoy that at all

She said:
" No, its the taste that makes people eat more. You just have to control yourself. Everyone gets to a point when they are full and they cant eat any more or they are sick. Its just greed"

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What a moron. I hate thin people who think that we are gluttonous hogs. That is so TOTALLY wrong. I eat because I feel RUBBISH. I eat because I feel good, I eat because I lost weight and because I want to lose more and I eat because I don't lose weight.

Someone needs to find out what the hell is going on in our heads because it is NOT just a case of control.

I gave up fags. If I can do that I think I have pretty damn strong will power.

I cannot control my urge to eat.

So I was real pee'd off last night and felt really vulnerable and like some fat common dumb hick idiot who is just ignorant or something and only has enough brain cells to work a can opener.

She also said "I don't think overweight people realise that if they just have 3 small portioned meals a day that they would lose weight"

And when I said "Of course we do. We have been to EVERY damn slimming group and know all the rules and the do's and don'ts. We can follow it for a time, but we just eventually give up because the desire to eat is stronger than the desire to be slim."

"But its not like you don't care about what you look like, because you do..."

"Yes, I really do care what I look like but I don't care enough to stop eating. Infact I eat more because I look so grim"

"well put a picture of your self on the fridge and that will stop you"

I took her to my fridge and showed her the 2 full sized nude me's. 1 at my fattest and one at 2 stone less. " I have done that. It doesn't disgust me enough to stop me eating."

" Well it should"

WHAT A BITCH. She might as well have looked me in the eye and told me I was a disgrace to humanity and I was greedy and gluttonous and disgusting and ignorant and that I have no control and am basically an animal.

Well, maybe its true. But let me think about that a little more. You live in my house.

That's right, you are a 60+ year old woman living in MY house, in the small box room.

You have no idea the amount of stuff I have been through, or the right to tell me what I should and shouldn't be able to do.

Just as I don't know what stuff you have been through, I don't comment on why a woman of 60+ is living in the box room of a young family, when they have 3 grown up children who were private boarding school educated, are now married and living all over the world with posh jobs etc. You have the poshest voice outside of Knightsbridge. You don't fit in here at all, and your kids don't even care enough about you to give you a duvet and pillow on their sofa.

You are getting back what you gave out.

I know I would choose being a unhappy fatty, dying young of diabetes or something and any day rather than squatting in a room and knowing that my 3 kids do not give a crud about me.

Booking an unfill

I have taken a fellow bandit's advice and have requested to have some fluid out of my band.

This goes against everything I feel should happen with the band. I honestly thought that you just gradually get topped up and up and up etc and you slowly starve yourself thin. Extreme, but there is not a lot of info about exactly HOW it works for real.

I have heard about how people get to their sweet spot etc, but I just thought they had been filled enough and were losing weight.

Paying someone to TAKE precious fluid out of my band seems crazy in my mind, but I know that I have to stop thinking that. I am too tight. Eating is a chore. I am all consumed with food, and I am thinking about nothing else other than eating or the lack of and this is making me feel like absolute rubbish.

Been looking back at my weight loss chart and I was going really well on 6.1mls, but had noticed the scales slowing down. My reaction was to get a little bit put in. Well 6.6mls is too much for me. Eating is a misery and a torture. I eat one mouthful and then cant have any more... this means that sometimes I don't even taste everything on my plate! I can cheat it a little bit. If I eat slowly to0 start with and then follow it with very wet food, I can eat more. But only in the evening. I very rarely eat before lunch time and today I ate my first thing at 3pm. That was a pot noodle. Nice and nutritious huh? Its wet, and slips down. That's what I am doing, just eating easy things and normally that means calories.

I would give anything just to be normal, and basically that 0.5mls has made too much difference. So I emailed Michelle at the WLSgroup today to book an appointment to take some fluid out. I cant do this any more. I feel exhausted from thinking about food; throwing it away kills me, eating it kills me, not eating enough is killing me, binging on junk is killing me.

I have not lost a bean for ages and I know its because I am trying to make myself feel better with food... food like chocolate and crisps which I can eat.

So will, keep you posted.

Losing 60 Pounds in Six Months

Bill has lost 60 pounds in six months. He went from 240 pounds to 180 pounds by working out regularly at the gym and snacking on fruit instead of junk food.

He got motivated to do it after visiting the doctor and learning he was starting to get diabetes and had high blood pressure.

He says, "I went from a 40 waist to a 34. I feel fantastic. I sleep a lot better. I've got a lot more flexibility. I swing a golf club a lot better now."

See his weight loss story as well as a video about him here.

What's Your Rhythm?

Over at the LivingAfterWLS Neighborhood in WLS Chat we have been talking about the 2B1B Rhythm. Do you know what that is? It is a method of counting food bites to make sure you get 66% protein and 33% complex carbohydrates. With the 2B1B Rhythm it is assumed that one has made a low-fat selection food choice and that processed or "white" carbs are not on the plate.Our Ambassador of Reception "N A

Fat Boy

My family, some friends and I were at a restaurant last night. We ordered coffee after dinner. I poured a (very) generous amount of cream into my decaf. One of my friends gave me the nickname "fat boy" because I eat so much fat. The reason it's funny and not insulting is that I have a low bodyfat percentage. Paradox? I don't think so.

My family was also wide-eyed when I had three eggs for breakfast this morning, fried in butter. Sounds decadent, but it only adds up to 300 calories, or roughly 10% of my daily caloric intake.

How Does a Geek Lose Weight?

An anonymous geek asked for help on how to lose weight at home (too shy to go to the gym) and he got over 1,000 replies from fellow geeks on the Slashdot comment boards.

One response was from Binaryboy who told him to try Yourself Fitness;

Yourself Fitness is an Xbox title - not sure if it runs on Xbox 360 - and is like having a personal aerobics and yoga instructor at home. I was little shy of aerobics in general at first, but once I got into it, learned the various moves without looking like an idiot, I was hooked. In the first year I lost 30 pounds (which was my target) and I felt 1000 times better.

See the interesting discussion at How Do Geeks Exercise?

P'd off

Not in the mood. Completely pissed off with myself.

I cant believe we are the end of July and I have lost nothing basically since MAY.

Oh what the hell is wrong with me?

I feel shit. Cystitis is killing me slowly, as are the stupid ,ind games I play with myself. I just need to relax and let life happen. If I could, I think I would inject lard into my veins... such is the self sabotaging of my stupid fat ass!

I DON'T WANT TO, BUT I DO WANT TO.

What a screw up. I am even considering forgetting the bloody band as eating is a joke. I just cant handle it, and I am thinking about having all the fluid out and just having a normal life for a bit. I just don't know what to do because on the other hand I really do like the fact that I weigh less and stuff, and look better bla bla. Being slimmer doesn't seem to be making me as happy as I thought it would, or even as happy as I was last year in the initial weightloss phase before it broke.

The band break is still well and truly with me. I have not got over it. I am so wound up about how this works for everyone else and even the people who had the operation in November for the first time have lost like 60 pounds or something.

I feel very fucking sorry for myself.

Today's food & drink intake:

1 coffee
1 bag of 'Skips' style crisps in a party size bag
1 coffee
2 jelly babies
2 pints of water
1 pint of squash and potassium citrate liquid
Salad - comprising lettuce, beetroot, potato, coleslaw & a bite of quiche
2 pints of water

I feel as miserable as sin, and I hate the band. I just want to eat. I want to eat so badly.

I wish I had had the bypass.