Mookie, where are you?

I wrote this at 4 a.m. today, but then I fell asleep sitting up and finally went to bed without hitting publish.

It's almost 4 a.m and I've been up since 1 a.m., after all of two hours of sleep. Yes sir, still sleeping the sleep of the damned, waking up in the middle of the night unable to fall back to sleep.

To add a little drama to my morning I thought our new, ten-week old kitten, Mookie, had escaped. I had the back slider door open for a split second, and I wasn't paying attention. Sometimes I forget we have a tiny kitten that has to be watched like a hawk or she tries to escape. She's so little and curious about everything.

One second she was playing and he next second she disappeared. I was horrified to think she got out when I had the door open, and she was out walking the streets. After searching for 20 minutes, inside and outside the house, I decided to wake my husband to help me hunt for her. By this time I was in tears. I just knew we'd never see her again.

We looked for her for about an hour, searching our yard with flashlights, and walked up and down the street shining the flashlights under every bush and into every yard.. I was crying and saying it was all my fault, devastated I'd killed our Mookie by subjecting her to the horrors of the night , raccoons, coyotes, and dogs just waiting to attack a tiny, defenseless kitten.

Finally, at 3 a.m. we both came back inside the house. I sat down on the couch and said I couldn't believe this had happened. My husband kept questioning me if I'd search everywhere in the house, and I said "of course!".

Then I noticed some movement under the dining table, on one of the chairs. It was Mookie! She'd never even left the house and was asleep the entire time I was calling her name. Going up and down our street like an idiot, calling "Mookie, Mookie! Here kittty kitty."

I've never been so happy so see a tiny bundle of fur in my life. Thank God she's okay. I mean literally, thank you God. I think this means I have to go to church this week. :)

A little about my week..

Women's support group
After giving a speech at Toastmasters last week where I divulged some personal things about myself, a therapist in the group insisted I join her Summer 2010 over 40 women's support group. I sort of blew her off and said I'd think about it. Then she emailed me and called me. She talked me into attending just one meeting to see if I liked it.

I had no idea what to expect but I loved it. It's just some women, so far only three others and the therapist, and we sit around and talk about stuff. The therapist has us do self-evaluations and then we discuss what we write about ourselves.

One question she asked was to rate our self, the value we would place on our self, on a scale of one to ten, with ten being perfect. I rated myself a seven. When asked why I rated myself so low, I said I rate myself how I thought other people would rate me, then I had to explain who I thought would rate me so low. It was a real eye opener that I place so much value on what others think of me. I need to get over caring so much about what other people.

It's only seven meetings, on Monday nights for an hour and a half. At the next meeting there will be four more women attending, for a group of seven plus our therapist. I'm actually looking forward to the meeting (although I do have some homework). I felt an odd connection to everyone at the first meeting, which was totally unexpected.

The food, the exercise, and "why aren't I losing more weight?"
I'm not gaining weight, so that's a good thing. I'm just maintaining around 162. I'd really like to lose 23 additional pounds. I'm just not wanting it bad enough to starve myself to get there. I also don't want to exercise any harder or more often than I do now.

I work out about an hour and twenty minutes, five to six times a week, at a pretty high intensity. That's enough, any more would be insanity. Been there, done that, and I'm not doing it again.

I eat very healthy foods, but I'm eating too much. I'm still completely avoiding sugar and eating as little processed food as possible. I'm trying to follow the rule that if it wasn't in my grandmother's cupboards, then I shouldn't eat it.

I've decided not to beat myself up about not getting to my goal weight. Even if I maintain my current weight for a while, that will be okay. All my clothes fit, and I feel healthy. That's really all that's important. I'm still planning on getting to goal, but I guess I'll take my own sweet time getting there.