Caramelized Onion and Green Olive Tapenade

(makes 3 cups)

Ingredients:

• 1 tbsp olive oil
  
  


• 1 small onion, chopped
  
  


• ½ tsp dried basil
  
  


• 2 cups pitted green olives
  
  


• 2 tbsp white wine vinegar
  
  


• 4 garlic cloves, minced
  
  


• ¼ cup dry white wine
  
  


• ¼ tsp freshly ground black pepper
  
  

Preparation:

• Heat olive oil in a small saucepan with medium heat.


• Add onion and cook for 7-8 minutes until softened, stirring occasionally.
  
  


• Stir in basil and garlic and cook for 2 minutes.
  
  


• Add vinegar and white wine, bring to a boil then reduce heat and cook for an additional 7 minutes or until most of the liquid volatile, stirring occasionally.
  
  


• Place onion mixture in a food processor, then add the green olives and black pepper. Process until smooth.
  
  

Make 28 Servings:

Weight loss recipes Amount Per Serving (1 tablespoon (14 g)): 18 Calories, 0 g Protein, 0 g carbohydrates, 0 g Dietary Fiber, 2 g fat, 0 g saturated fat, 0 mg cholesterol, 228 mg sodium

My story and my trigger

I read a really great post this morning written by Lynn at Lynn's Weigh (love her, she's another one of my heroes). She tells the story about the one thing that triggered her start towards being a weight loss success story. She realized she was worthy of good health.

Even though I'm not yet a weight loss success story, I will be one day. Here's the story of my one thing...

Flash to February 2006
After years of crash diets, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, South Beach (the list goes on and on) I weighed 240 pounds. This was the heaviest I had ever weighed. In college I got up to 145 pounds and I remember how I thought I was such a fat pig. When I met my husband 25 years ago I was 132 (I'm 5' 6"). I was trying to starve myself to what I thought was my ideal weight of 125.

How did I get to 240 pounds at the age of 51? More importantly, why? I had difficulty walking. I wouldn't even attempt to climb the two flights of stairs to my office, I'd take the elevator. I was uncomfortable and miserable. The clothes that did fit looked terrible on me. My self-loathing was at an all-time high.

I remember when I ripped the seat out of two pairs of size 18 jeans trying to squeeze my very ample behind into too small clothing. Both times the ripped jeans incident happened while I was at work. Those were two of the most embarrassing moments of my life. The fabric simply couldn't stretch to fit my size 20 (probably more like size 22) bottom. I bought my first pair of size 20 slacks, and I was horrified. I was more depressed than at any other point in my life. Yet I still wouldn't or couldn't get motivated to do anything about my weight. It was like I was frozen in some sort of self-made hell.

Then I starting having strange pains in my joints. They came on suddenly one night as I was sitting in my recliner watching TV (we no longer own recliners). The agony started as shooting, knife cutting pains in my left knee. It was excruciating. I could barely stand up. I had no idea what was wrong. The pains lasted for a few hours and then went away. It happened again the next night and the next. Then the pain just disappeared.

A few days later the same type of pain started in my left elbow, again, at night while sitting in my recliner. It scared me. I thought I must have some horrible, life-threatening disease. The pain would move around to different joints every few days. Left knee, right knee, shoulders, elbows. Yet I refused to go to the doctor, because, well, you probably guessed, I was embarrassed about my weight gain of 60 pounds since the previous year. I know that sounds crazy, but it's the truth.

One day around this time of the strange pains I was walking by the pharmacy in a drugstore. I stopped to take my blood pressure at one of those free machines. I'd always prided myself on my great blood pressure and low cholesterol levels, even during my fat phases in my life my blood pressure was always around 120/60. The reading on the machine:  180/110. Seriously? Could that even be possible and still stand upright? I thought the machine must be broken. I went to two different drugstores and used their blood pressure machines, all the readings were very close to 180/110.

I was scared to death. This time I knew I really could die. I was 51. I called my doctor and she told me to get a free BP check at the fire station where they would use a regular blood pressure cuff (I never knew why she did this, I have medical insurance). She said maybe the machines were inaccurate. That was another really embarrassing moment when me, the fat, middle-aged woman asked the gorgeous, hunky firefighter to take my blood pressure. When he had to get the extra large sized cuff because of my fat upper arm, I wanted to die. The results were once again 180/110. He looked at the number and told me I needed to see my doctor immediately.

This time I knew my life was in danger, and I saw my doctor. She immediately put me on blood pressure medicine. I'm off of the medication now, and I check on my own blood pressure all the time at home. Lately it's been a little on the high side, 128/73. I know it's the last 25 pounds I gained back.

My doctor also talked to me about my weight. She held one of my hands in her hands, she looked me in the eye and said "Diana, you're a beautiful woman. Why are you doing this to yourself? You have to lose the weight or you are going to die." The "you are going to die" part really shook me up. I could see her concern, and knew she was saying this to help me. I knew I had to do something about my weight.

I immediately started a diet. South Beach, a diet I'd done the year before and lost 40 pounds before giving up and gaining it all back, plus some. It was the first "diet" that I actually felt like I could probably live with the rest of my life.  However, after several months of South Beach, but still counting calories, I had only lost 20 pounds. I was stuck and finding myself slipping back to old habits.

That's when a friend at work asked me to join the Weight Watcher "at work program". Reluctantly I joined with her since I was stalled on my own, but I secretly knew it wouldn't work for me. The first week I did everything perfectly, eating all my Points, my activity Points and my Weekly Points. I was sure this was too much food, and I'd gain even more weight. I lost seven pounds the first week following the plan exactly. I proceeded to lose a total of 60 pounds in seven months and then, I'm not sure why, I just quit. I gained it all back very quickly.
February 2008, this time it is for real
There I was again, February of 2008, sitting at 240 pounds. I needed to lose 100 pounds. Why did I do this to myself over and over? I never once tried to answer this question and really thought I just didn't have any willpower. When in reality, I have willpower of steel.

Once again I joined Weight Watchers because it felt like the right thing to do. I knew it worked. This time I did something different, I started using my gym membership, going almost every day. I'd had that membership since 1996 but had probably only been to the gym ten times in 12 years. Now I go almost every day for an hour or more, I really believe the exercise and Weight Watchers is what has changed my life.

You're probably thinking, but Diana, it's been almost three years and you're still not at goal. You are correct. I've been struggling for months, in fact, pretty much for all of 2010. I'll call that my lost year. I started the year at 180 pounds and ended it at 180 pounds. I dropped down during the year to 162 but never got back to my 2009 low of 152. True, 2010 wasn't my greatest year, yet I take great pride in the little fact that I didn't go back up to 240 pounds. My goal was and still is 135 pounds.

I still believe Weigh Watchers is the best plan for me. I know it doesn't work for everyone, and we each have to find the thing that works for us. Whether it's counting calories or even a surgical procedure, there's something out there that will work. In truth, they all work.

What I'm finding out is that the real work is looking inside of ourselves and really finding out the "why" of our overeating. Why did we get overweight in the first place? That's the real question.

To say "well, I just love food and I can't help it" is not the answer. I said that same thing for years. Nothing wrong with me, I just lov efood. The truth, most people love food yet they don't have the issues of overeating like the morbidly obese. Without self-examination we can still lose weight, but it's very questionable whether we can keep it off forever. You know how I know? Because I've been there, done that....more times than I can count. Now I'm working from the inside out, versus just focusing on the outside.

Like Lynn asked, what was your one thing that triggered you into starting a weigh loss plan, and this time you know it's for good? Have you figured out what caused you to become overweight in the first place? I'll share with you in a later post what I think caused me to gain 100 pounds, lose it several times, and never keep it off in the past.

Pictures
A before picture, 240 pounds. This was right before the stange pains started. I didn't think I was a person worthy of good health. I just thought I was fat, ugly and stupid (I had just started a new job). When I saw this picture I was horrified but it still didn't make me try to lose weight. It took a death threat to make me take action.

Now I'm working on learning to like myself, and acknowledging that I am worthy of being healthy.  It's not just about gaining the weight, it's about so much more.

240, from the backside:

I don't have an after picture because I'm not at goal. Today I weigh 179, so I found this picture where I weighed 175 from 2008. My hair is different now, a little shorter, but I'm too lazy to put on makeup and take a picture today. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, inside and out, but I'm working on it. It's a multi-faceted project. :)

2011 is going to be my year!

Chile Lime Tortilla Chips

(makes 6 servings)

Ingredients:

• Non-fat cooking spray
  
  


• ½ tsp grated lime peel
  
  


• 2 tsp honey
  
  


• 2 tsp vegetable oil
  
  


• 2 tbsp fresh-squeezed lime juice
  
  


• 4 flour tortillas (8" diameter)
  
  


• Chile powder to taste
  
  

Preparation:

• Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
  
  


• Spray a large cookie sheet with non-fat cooking spray.
  
  In a medium bowl, combine chile powder, lime peel, lime juice, vegetable oil, honey and stir finely.
  
  


• Using a pastry brush, brush tortillas with the lime mixture.
  
  


• Cut tortillas into 12 wedges. Place wedges on a single layer on cookie sheet and sprinkle with chile powder to desired.
  
  


• Bake for 8-10 minutes or until golden brown.
  
  


• Keep in an airtight container at room temperature.
  
  

Make 6 Servings:

Weight loss recipes Amount Per Serving (1/6 of recipe (46 g)): 135 Calories, 3 g Protein, 22 g carbohydrates, 1 g Dietary Fiber, 4 g fat, 1 g saturated fat, 0 mg cholesterol, 166 mg sodium

17/365 - Junk Food Day AKA Birthday Celebrations

This past weekend we celebrated our oldest daughter's birthday.  Part of our family's birthday tradition is that we let the kids choose the food menu for the entire day.  Each child has his own original palate they enjoy satisfying and it's fun to see what they come up with.  Unfortunately, it's rarely healthy.  

Breakfast: Chocolate donuts and Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Lunch: Sub sandwich with chips

Snack: Bell pepper with Ranch dipping sauce. (I may have asked the question, "Would you like to include something healthy in your day?")

Dinner: Pepperoni Pizza

Cake and Ice Cream

What was my game plan? It would be easy to eat my own special foods for the day, but that would be insulting for the kids.  They enjoy picking out the menu for the whole family and it's fun for them to eat it as a family. So to keep the peace and the spirits high, I decided to eat small portions. 

I had one donut for breakfast and I was surprised how lousy I felt. If it had been a big ol' cream filled donut, I would have understood why I felt like throwing up thirty minutes after I ate it, but it was just a small old-fashioned chocolate. Ever notice that when you've been eating healthier, your body suddenly reacts to junk food? It's also scary because junk food doesn't effect me when I'm eating a lot of it.  It's like my body gets used to it and I can rationalize it's not "so bad" because I don't feel "horrible." Substandard food trickery.

Lunch was actually pretty good.  We put a ton of lettuce in the sandwich, she said she wanted a little, so we ran with the opportunity.  A serving of chips isn't a bad thing, if you can keep from going back for seconds.

For dinner, I was running around making sure five little girls and the rest of our kids had everything they needed.  I ate two pieces and a big glass of water when everyone was settled. By the time we had cake and ice cream I was too tired for more than a sliver.

I've found that a day full of junk isn't the worst thing that can happen to your health efforts if you simply eat small portions, exercise sometime that day, and get back to healthy habits the next day. One day doesn't cause damage, it's repeating the junk food day over and over that does.

Can't think of a title.

Back from Fuertaventura. It was awesome. High 20's and 30's  every day and about minus 10 at night (Celsius!) No, it was really lovely but you did need your cardie in the evenings because until 1st January the bar/lounge was thick with tobacco fog so sitting outside was a bit nippy.

Then a miracle happened. A smoking ban came in for our last week. YAY! So we could sit inside and see each other from across the table. And be a bit warmer too.

Can't believe Spain have introduced a smoking ban. Its a pretty smokey culture lets face it. I don't think anywhere else, apart from china maybe, has such a culture of smoking for leisure. It was fabulous after the ban it really was.

I used to smoke as you know, but never ever felt comfortable smoking in public or in bars... I always took myself off to the garage at home and sat with a blanket and a good book to have my fag. I never smoked inside the house, but I always smoked in the car. It used to while away the hours. I hated going somewhere and coming back reeking of fags so I always avoided smokey dives even when I was on 25 a day!!! Yes, I really had quite a habit on me. Thankfully, and bafflingly, I have never craved cigarettes since stopping, and the smell puts me off more than whets my appetite, so its always find it a bit of a bonus these little smoking bans.

Anyway, news. The results came back clear for Paget's, so that's a bonus. Now we are on to trying to find out what the hell it really is. Apparently its rather baffling. I like to be different!

The band. Meh. What is there to say. It stopped me eating pretty much all holiday so I stayed the same weight (unheard of!) throughout my holiday.

I am toying with the ides of
a.)

Having all fluid out and doing slimmingworld really seriously

or b.)

Having a small fill so that I can eat absolutely fuck all.

What say ye?

My fill provider - Jane Wilkinson-Tancock - suggested that maybe I needed a small fill - maybe 0.25ml. Her reasons were because my day is pretty much thus:
breakfast - coffee
lunch - tea (possible soup option)
dinner - tea
evening snack - full meal + toast + snacks

...so I need something to stop me eating so much in the evening.

I would appreciate your thoughts because it does make me wonder why I can eat whatever I please after about 9pm. However I think maybe this is not the best option for me and I should just forget it and do slimmingworld. It seems easier (and cheaper) and it means I can eat stuff.

It will be 4 years in February which I cannot believe. I need to do something one way or another as I just feel uncomfortable. I am not sure if I actually have what it takes to make the band work for me now as I am too far down the line, know all the cheats and am not able to control myself enough not to resort to them.

Maybe I just don't want to lose weight? I dunno. I am pretty sure I do cos I hate the way I look and feel, but I am not sure if I want to submit my body to the puking and not eating things again. I know people say  "nooo that is not how it should be!" but it is! It IS like that for me. Either I am not losing weight and eating like above, or too tight and I puke several times a day and get grizzly and annoyed because I cant eat stuff. That is what it's like. There doesn't seem to be the happy medium for me.
I have tried to find it but its the most elusive little fucker on earth.

Anyway, I dunno which way to jump. If I unfill then I have to stick to it or I am going to get bigger. If I have a fill I can see myself sitting in the same situation and being annoyed and frustrated just like I am now + a bit of puking.

hmmm.

Well we shall see. Do I give it one more little shot?

I haven't forgotten the idea of going to your clinic either Caroline :-) I might just do that.I know that when I was trying to stick to my calorie goal on daily plate it was very very hard. I wasn't doing slimmingworld though. If I do slimmingworld I can eat untold stuff and just avoid fats. If I have a fill I will eat less than I am now and that makes me feel a little sick too. Jeez. Does it really matter?

Actually does it?

Thank you & finding peace

Thank you!
Tonight I finally sat down and read all your sweet comments from my SOS post last Tuesday. Most of you can relate to my issues, and several of you feel like you're in the same boat. There were a lot of great ideas on how to beat my late night eating, things I'll be trying in the near future. You guys are very kind. Instead of just writing me off as a lunatic (which lately, I wouldn't blame you), you came to my rescue. I love you guys. You're the best.

********

Figuring things out

This past week I've been trying to figure things out, trying to understand what is wrong with me, or even if perhaps there really isn't anything that terribly wrong. Other than the fact I've been running around in a totally chaotic, frenzied state regarding my weight, I think I just may be okay after all. As sweet Kelly! said, I'm not really "broken".

I've been totally obsessed with trying to find the perfect plan for me to lose weight. Count calories, count Points, count calories AND Points. Do Weight Watchers, don't do Weight Watchers, try a blogger's challenge. Exercise like a maniac, cut back on the exercise, more cardio, less cardio, heavier weights less reps, lighter weights more reps.

Frankly, I'm tired of the insanity. Enough already.

The people I admire the most are the ones that have made peace with food and with themselves. Dawn, Grace, Roxie, Helen, Carla (Miz Fit), Lyn, Lynn, Loretta, Sheryl (Ms. Bitch Cakes), Sean, Allan, Tony and many others just like them are my real heroes.

These people have come to terms with who they are as a person, they've accepted themselves and find value in their very existence. This has dramatically changed their relationship with food. I want to follow in their footsteps.

I haven't totally figured this all out for myself yet, but I have figured out that what I was doing wasn't working. Hating myself, putting myself down constantly, calling myself terrible names, not even liking myself a little bit, all of that has to stop.  I know my low self-esteem is a big reason why I try to comfort myself with food. My overeating is just a symptom of bigger issues.

I've been reading Bob Greene's "The Life You Want. Get Motivated, Lose Weight and Be Happy". He lists the main obstacles that cause people to struggle with losing weight and maintaining the loss. I'm only about a third into the book but so far I really like it. It's not as "new agey" as the last book I read on this topic (Geneen Roth and I can't even remember the name of that book).

This is what it says about body image (The Life You Want, Chapter 1, page 29):

It's crucial to not only accept your body but also make taking care of it a priority, no matter what else is happening in your life. "You might worry, 'If I accept my body, then I will become complacent and just gain more weight, " says Ann Kearny-Cooke. "However, I have found that the opposite is true:  Beating yourself up about your appearance and putting yourself down is the last thing that motivates healthy lifestyle change." In fact, once you are able to improve your body image, you will choose to actively take care of your body (by, say, increasing your physical activity, and giving up fried foods and overeating at night).

You can see why I'm hooked on this book.

In the meantime, what am I doing to lose weight?
Well, I've decided to just calm the hell down. No more jumping from one idea to another, trying to find the quick fix to a broken Diana. I'm slightly askew, certainly not perfect, but not broken either.

I went to Weight Watchers on Saturday and for the first time ever I decided not to weigh in. I just didn't feel like facing the scale. Instead I checked in with the receptionist and stayed for the meeting. It was about Power Foods (a concept I really like...to read more about it, check out Sheryl's post on power foods, much better than anything I could write).

After the meeting I talked with Janis, my Weight Watcher leader. I was honest with her and told her I was struggling and felt hungry all the time. She suggested I eat mostly power foods to keep the hunger at bay. She also asked me if I was eating any of my 49 weekly Points. I told that actually, I hadn't really been following the plan, I had tried to cut way back and as a result had become ravenously hungry which usually led to a binge on an almost nightly basis.

She suggested I track everything I eat this week, every day, every bite and to really focus on the power foods. I'm going to print it out to take with me to next Saturday's meeting. She told me to weigh in with her because she wants to see how I do. If I don't lose then she wants to talk to me after the meeting. She said "we'll figure this out together".  I love her.

Janis is a Diamond Weight Watcher leader meaning she's in the top 20% of the leaders to have the most members make it to goal and has the most Lifetimers. I feel relieved that I finally talked to her and told her about my struggles. I also feel like I have to be extremely accountable this week because I made a promise to her. I've already printed off yesterday and today's food tracker (I have a pre-bedtime snack planned tonight...a Weight Watcher smoothie with milk and a frozen banana). I've also added these two days to my food diary blog. No more calorie counting. That was making me even more crazy.

On thing you'll notice if you look at my food diary is that I'm not eating all my Points. I don't know how to explain this because I've always been one to eat all my daily Points, all my Weekly Points AND all my Activity Points. I can honestly say since I've started focusing on power foods, I'm not hungry all the time.

I also feel like I'm eating a massive volume of food. This has me a little concerned, and I can't possibly see how this can work for losing weight. I promised Janis I would give this my best effort, so that's what I'm doing. I'm not limiting my fruit intake, but I'm not eating large amounts of it. In fact, I'm eating a lot less than I use to eat on the old plan.

Exercise has been really good for the last week. My husband even went with me today. It's become such a part of my life these last three years that I can't ever imagine stopping. I still have my mornings when I'd rather just stay in bed, but I don't give in very often. It's a necessary task that I have to complete every day, just like brushing my teeth.

Again, I just want to thank you all so very much for your support. I really appreciate it. I'm not sure where I'd be without it, and I credit all of you for helping me stay afloat on this thing, even when I just want to give up. I thank God for you every day. I really do.

Black Bean and Corn Dip

(makes 3 cups)

Ingredients:

• 1 (15 oz.) can black beans, drained and rinsed or 2 cups black beans cooked at home
  
  


• 2 green onions, sliced
  
  


• 2 cups cooked fresh, frozen or canned corn
  
  


• ½ tsp basil
  
  


• ½ cup plain non-fat yogurt
  
  


• ½ tsp chili powder
  
  


• Black pepper to taste
  
  

Preparation:

• Using a blender, blend all ingredients.
  
  


• Blend for about 20 seconds or until all ingredients are smooth.
  
  


• If the dip is too thick, stir in 2 tbsp of yogurt.
  
  

Make 12 Servings:

Weight loss recipes Amount Per Serving (1/4 cup (69 g)): 68 Calories, 4 g Protein, 13 g carbohydrates, 3 g Dietary Fiber, 0 g fat, 0 g saturated fat, 0 mg cholesterol, 77 mg sodium