Super teeeeee-ight & thank you

Well, things had settled immensely after the orange juice debacle yesterday, but we went to a friends for dinner in the evening. She had made 4 courses. This obviously strikes feelings of deep doom into bandsters around the globe, even one as slack and shizzy at it as me - especially after a fill! GULP

I knew that I was never going to be able to eat much, if anything, so as she served up, and I glugged some green tea (I had come armed with my pot and leaves!). I had a little nibble of a tiny asparagus spear in anchovy butter. It was... not the most pleasant of dishes I must admit. I had about 3 tips and then stopped as I felt chogged, even though I had pureed it to death and back in my mouth and drank, and waited and breathed and all those little tricks.

Nah.

It came back at me, and I passed on the soup, the beef stew and rice and also the caramel cheese cake. I Even       
Dun Dun Dunnnnnnn        
                                                   Passed on the WINE!

Yes it was a spectacular fail and I felt like a dick.

So we came home, after having actually a really really fun evening, food or no, to a time called

"Try and take my tablets after a fill"

Its always a fabulous sort of family horror event, and last night  took the Golden Globes and Oscars in a clean sweep! 

By the end of the dinner party I was consuming a little water, had half a glass of red, and a little black tea relatively okay... so I thought I might as well give it a bash. Now I am not very good at taking tablets 'dry' so I have to have quite a lot of fluid. I thought that things were OK - there was some glugging, gurgling, belching, blopering going on in there at that special mid tit region, so I swallowed em down. After 2 minutes, I had to hurl. 

I take high doses of Gabaentin, Tolterodine and other concoctions for my lupus and my criminal piston pain (that's my word for the urethra for those new here) and I HAVE to take them or I start going into withdrawal. If I miss them, it only takes 2 days for me to be a twitching wreck trying to score a hit! I never miss taking them though - mainly because I am addicted to them so I never EVER forget!! These are the only tablets I have never forgotten. My body simply knows when it's time for pills!! HAHA  They are an Opiate based and nasty and am on em for life. So you can imagine that the thought of not taking these pills is like totally alien to my being. 

However, hurling these beauties is G R I M  I honestly could not believe the taste, it was unreal! I puked as only a bandit knows how, then it was immediately followed by a massive spasm of REAL vomiting and then proper dry retchy heaving for 30 seconds on the afterkillertaste! OH WOW! They were so bad, and kinda spicy and burny and frothy and hell like and tasted like death itself. 

Honestly, I have tasted some foul shit before, but this was on a new level. I swilled my mouth out fast with TCP mouthwash just to take the taste away. I hate it, but less than that shit! TCP was the only thing I could think of that would take the taste away and disguise it completely and luckily (!?) I only bought it the other day for my sore throat. Small merices!


DH said afterwards that the heaved pills stank the kitchen out like dead fish. Truly scary times. I have oft been tempted to make it easier after fills by opening the cases on the pills and just mixing them with water or something, but this has given me the whole answer in full. That's is not ever happening. 

So after this headache, and a quick email to Jane that I needed an unfill pronto in the morning, we went to bed. I lay there gurgling the night away and willing myself not to salivate in fear of waking up vomiting. I slept really well strangely, and thought this little 0.5 was not too bad really whilst I slurped on my first cuppa of the day.


At 9am I gave Jane a ring, bless her she must HATE me! I had drunk 2 cups of black tea at this point, so things were looking good, and I thought that I had better let her know things were ok and I would manage. She suggested that I ring back at 2ish and let her know how things were going, which was a massive stroke because things disintegrated from the black tea onwards. 


We went out this morning for a couple of hours and I was sipping thoughout, but I noticed it just starting to slow down through the stoma! I only had a few sips of drink between 9am and 1pm. I was able to drink, it wasn't sticking, or making me sick, but I could just really feel it sitting there for a little longer than was necessary or needed. It felt uncomfortable and like I couldn't relax. I could feel everything going on; I was really aware of having a band and I just thought, you know what? I don't need this. So I called her up and asked if she could take a smidge back out. 

So this afternoon at 4:30 I had 0.2ml taken back out. So I just have an extra 0.3ml instead which I am really happy to have a go with. I could drink immediately although with that nice thunky glug noise which we all know and love, so things are on the march I hope!


On a completely different tack, I have been thinking about Babara and her girls today so much. I think its finally sunk in that Mark has gone and that lovely lady Barbara who has been so strong for so long is just shattered in pieces. I feel so deeply sad for them. I have never met her (or been to boobs cos I am a UK bandit) but I have followed her blog forever. I was so pleased and proud of us bloggers for the over 70 comments I saw on her blog this morning. We all really do pull together and no one is alone in their struggles, whatever they are, in this little world of cyber-reality. 

It takes something like that for us all to realise what we have created, all of us - A massive network of ladies and men from all over the place living their day to day lives with a band. Our lives come into our blogs so often, but I know I always wonder whats the use of telling some of the boring shit I write about, but this is how Barbara is gonna get a heap of support she would never have known if she hadn't been a blogger or a bandit. If she had thought it was boring, or not of interest to us to know about her husband, her kids, her home and day to day stuff that shes gotten up to over the years, we would not have known about her struggles of late or be able to sense her pain now. We wouldn't have been able to give her the only thing we can - our love and support. 

We never know when we are going to need some kind words, love, prayers, a nudge in the right direction or just to be told to hang in there or that we are doing just fine. Sometimes we get told, and we didn't know we needed it until we see that email flashing with a comment. 


Its a cliche that we take stuff for granted, but I feel like I know so many of you, and I guess it goes the same the other way. That's simply lovely. 

I am glad that I found all of your people who read my blog. I know that when the chips are down, I have friend's to eat them with! 

Love to you all, and it goes without saying but especially to Barbara.  

Woulda, shoulda, coulda

From WiseGeek.com:

"For many of us, there is a clear distinction between what actually happened and what we wished would have happened in a given situation. Sometimes people realize a number of options they could have or should have taken instead of the action they actually took. This feeling of regret or second-guessing is summed up in the expression woulda coulda shoulda."

A friend of mine made a new year's resolution to stop her "woulda coulda shoulda" habit. Each time she says one of these words she has to put a quarter in a jar. She then proceeded to tell me about her vacation, and said "we should have made our reservations....". She stopped, and said "whoops! Another quarter!".

It's so easy to slip into a pattern of regret, where we wish we'd made different choices. We often criticize ourselves for making bad choices, thinking we could have, should have, done things differently. I often do this to myself, then I proceed to berate myself for the bad choices I made when I know better. Does this do me any good? Absolutely not. If anything, it perpetuates a feeling of defeat and that I'm just not good enough or smart enough to lose weight. It makes me feel weak and helpless to dwell on my failures. It serves no real purpose.

I've decided I'm done with the past. I posted recently that 2010 was a lost year. I didn't gain weight, I didn't lose weight. Now January 2011 is a lost month. I continued my no gain, no lose pattern..

It's time for me to stop looking back at my failures and time to start looking forward. I have the Big Climb in exactly seven weeks. On March 20th, I'll be climbing 1,311 stairs (69 floors). I can't cancel or just not show up for this event. I'm the team captain, and many of the team members are coworkers. As a team captain I'm required to be present. It would be not be cool of me to drop out, it's not an option.

I call 2010 my lost year, starting and ending at the same weight, 180. Now January 2011 is another lost month. Starting and ending at 180 pounds. Not exactly where I'd hope to be, but not at the 239 pounds I started at February 19, 2008.
The good news, February is notoriously my month to lose weight. I've started many successful diets in February. In fact, February 19 will mark three years of Weight Watcher meetings. I don't know why it's my month, perhaps because spring seems like it's just around the corner and spring is my season (with summer a close second). Spring means skimpier clothing, and right now, none of my size 10 summer clothing fits.

Moving forward now...

Spiced Banana Orange Smoothie

(makes 2 servings)

Ingredients:

• 1 banana, peeled and cut into chunks
  
  


• 1 large seedless orange, peeled and sliced
  
  


• 2 cups plain or vanilla-flavored soy milk
  
  


• 1 tsp powdered ginger
  
  


• 3-4 ice cubes
  
  

Preparation:

• Place all ingredients except ice cubes in blender. Cover and blend on high speed for 15 seconds or until smooth.
  
  


• Add ice cubes, cover and blend for 15 seconds more or until well blended.
  
  


• Serve immediately.
  
  

Make 2 Servings:

Weight loss recipes Amount Per Serving (½ of recipe (261 g)): 118 Calories, 5 g Protein, 19 g carbohydrates, 5 g Dietary Fiber, 3 g fat, 0 g saturated fat, 0 mg cholesterol, 20 mg sodium

Cheeky fill

Well today I done got me a cheeky fill!

I now have 6.5mls in my band. I had a little freak out earlier as I glugged some orange juice and it just sat there. ARGHHHHHHHH and for an hour it was sat sitting there and in the end had to barf. Since then all has been well. I vaguely remember that orange juice can have that effect. I think I had had a milky coffee earlier so it could have curdles with it... who knows. But at present its all ok.

Here follows a grotesque (i.e. my guttage) section of photos of me having a fill. it was a bad angle ok????!!! LOL

All sorted. I hate having to roll down my trousers to my caesarian scar hang over point. Its so humiliating!! Oh well, never mind. Soon I will be a scrawny bint! YAY thanks Jane!

Fresh Hawaiian Smoothie

(makes 2 servings)

Ingredients:

• ½ cup mango, fresh or frozen
  
  


• ½ cup cantaloupe, fresh or frozen
  
  


• 1 cup strawberries, fresh or frozen
  
  


• 1 cup pineapple juice (or more to thin)
  
  

Preparation:

• Place all ingredients in a blender and blend for 10 seconds or until smooth.
  
  

Make 2 Servings:

Weight loss recopes Amount Per Serving (½ of recipe (283 g)): 143 Calories, 1 g Protein, 35 g carbohydrates, 3 g Dietary Fiber, 1 g fat, 0 g saturated fat, 0 mg cholesterol, 6 mg sodium

28/365 - Focus is Key

I am so grateful that my goal is on my daily workout and nothing else. If my focus was on the scale, I would be discouraged. If my success was based on how my pants feel, I would have already fallen off the wagon. But since I'm not focusing on anything but the workout, I feel GREAT!!

Yesterday I put on some pants that were a little looser when I first put them on last summer. Yes, it was before they were first washed, but that's beside the point. It doesn't matter, if you put on snug clothes that were once loose, it always messes with your head.

If you've been following since the beginning of the year, you know that I haven't been focusing too closely on my eating.  I haven't been porking, but I haven't been careful either. Considering my day yesterday, I would have thrown all weight loss efforts out and binged.  But I didn't. Why? Because I reminded myself of the goal: daily workouts for 365 days in a row.  Have I been doing it? OH YEAH, every night!! Suddenly all the guilt and frustration and crud that fills your head when you feel UGG instantly left.  Hope returned and the scale and lovely pant issues faded into the back of my mind. I love my goal! 

The wine was my downfall

After three days of being really good, eating on plan, feeling a few hunger pains during the day (a good thing),and having a late night healthy snack at 9pm each day that seemed to put a stop to my binges, I totally blew it.

It started out well yesterday, healthy breakfast, healthy lunch, and super busy at work. So busy that it took me four hours to eat my salad of spinach, shrimp, and clementines with balsamic vinegar and a teaspoon of oil. It's my latest most favorite lunch (at home I add a little red onion, but not at work). I worked through lunch, with  barely time to eat a few bites, then meetings all afternoon. I'd grab a few bites between meetings. A crazy day.

I had a fantastic workout yesterday, as I have every day this week, plus I've been doing our three flights of stairs at work twelve times during lunch each day, 720 steps (except yesterday). Every morning 110 to 120 flights on the StairMaster, plus 40 minutes of strength.

Then my eating plan went all to heck. Last night I had a date with my best girlfriend. Her birthday was a couple weeks ago (the breakfast at IHOP), but we always celebrate later in the month with dinner and a movie. Her pick for both since she's the birthday girl.

I was so busy all day that I didn't even have time to ask her where we were going. When I picked her up at 5:30 p.m. she said the dreaded two words: Claim Jumpers. This is a very bad restaurant. My girlfriend usually chooses this restaurant since it's one of favorites. When I know we're going there I go to their nutritional information on their website, decide what I'm going to eat and stick to it. This always works for me because I sort of get my mind around it, and I feel good about it. This restaurant is like hell for a dieter. Giant servings of fat-laden, delicious food. There are healthy choices, but you have to be really careful.

Last night, after a horrendously stressful work day, I couldn't even think straight (this is my excuse for what happened). The Claim Jumper website is very unfriendly and difficult to use. It takes time to look things up and it's hard to find things (because everything has a million calories and they don't want people to know). In other words, trying to do it on my Blackberry was just about impossible.

I asked the waitress to see their nutritional information. I got this story from our very sweet waitress. "Yes, we know it's the law in Washington state for restaurants to provide that information, but the restaurant chain has been purchased by a business in Texas, where nutritional information is not required. They just redesigned the menu and didn't realize they needed provide the nutritional information. They're working on it."

Oh well, I'm a big girl, and I know what's healthy and what's not. I ordered the half rotisserie chicken (and it was a tiny, baby chicken) and a dry baked sweet potato (which was huge and delicious), no bread (they have the most amazing corn bread you've ever tasted). Good so far, right?

Then I messed up. I know my girlfriend loves a glass of wine with dinner. I also know if I don't order it she won't either. I entirely gave up wine several months ago. I decided it was just a waste of calories and usually gave me a headache.

Last night I was tired, stressed with a neck thing going on, and a glass of wine sounded good. So I ordered a glass of Cabernet. It was huge (as everything is in this place except for that chicken). Probably at least two servings.

I ate every bite of my dinner (which would probably have been enough food for three people). Then I ordered dessert. My girlfriend's favorite dessert, Lemon Bar Brulee. And  no, we didn't share a piece and yes, it was wonderful. It's a lemon bar cheesecake thing with raspberry sauce and whip cream. I looked up the dessert this morning, 747 calories, 16 gr of fat, 105 gr carbs, 1 gr fiber.

Anyway, the end of the story is that I gained two pounds overnight. 180.2 this morning. I know some of it's probably the sodium. I know it was just one night. I know it's not that big of a deal. It's just that I have Weight Watchers tomorrow, which means I have to weigh in. Sort of depressing.

The movie was great though. No Strings Attached. Very funny, cute chick flick with Natalie Portman and Aston Kutcher (love him). I had a great visit with my girlfriend. It was very fun and yes, I would do it again, but skip the wine and dessert. Maybe. :)

Life happens, but I really need to get serious about losing weight and stop just talking about it. The Big Climb is less than two months away. Remember, 1,311 steps. Scary at 180 pounds!