Odd day

I spent all day in bed with a headache. I slept too... So strange because I have been feeling fine recently. At least it wasn't a work day... of course it meant I haven't eat much.

I got up at 5pm and made the dinner. I cooked quorn meatballs in onions with a little water and an oxo and added some dry sherry. Served it up with peas and mash. I managed 1 meatball, my portion of onions and the peas. I had to have a big pause in the middle too because the meatball did not want to be eaten. I thought to be honest that I was all done, but I felt it go through the band and then I was hungry still.. just shows huh.

I have had 2 yoghurts and 2 packets of crisps too, so today is less than 1000cals.

Heard from an old friend on facebook today. Its horrible really. She is still in touch with some of the guys i went to college with and haven't thought about for 13 years... its just real all over again. The faces on some of the pics are just like kicks in the guts. I didn't realise what a horrible place college was for me. These people are nothing to me now, but they shaped the person I am today. They and other like them are the reason I had to get out of the county and move away. I just couldn't face the thought of bumping into them shopping or something. I can remember always being on my guard when i lived there. I am glad she got in touch, but sometimes maybe we all drift apart for a reason.

I realised that others don't experience your life the way you do either. She was quite shocked when I told her about some things. She had no idea that some of the things I was going through was going on at all! We only really see what we want to see, or keep out of it. Its just sheer nosiness into peoples lives that makes us join things like facebook and search for old friends... What other reason could there possibly be? I know I just want to see how they are doing, what they eventually did with their life and if they are married, got kids and see what they look like now. That's it. Once I have found that out, its kind of over for me. I haven't suddenly revived a dead friendship at all... their has always been the initial rush of "oooh ahhh" and then it slips into silence. I think that's sad.

Part of me inside just wants to have been friends with someone and then grow up together in the same community and still know them. Stability of knowing the people you live near. Where I am now I don't know any of my neighbours except for "Hello, nice day" or "could you feed my cats for 2 weeks? Cheers" I do kind of yearn for the older smaller more insular world of days gone by. I wonder why that is. Every year we are given more and more things to 'want' and 'do' and yet there is something deeply unsatisfied in my life. My being wants a home and a large family and with my extended family around me... wants to be close and to know all my cousins and aunts etc intimately and to share good times. Other families pull it off.. why not us?
I want the simple things and to be modest... so why cant I do that? Is it society pressure? Why is it looked as as tragic to have nothing...? Why is it we have to have stuff.

I read somewhere that in 1850 the average person had 75 wants, and 16 of them were considered a necessity. Today we have over 500 wants and 127 of them are considered a necessity. Can we really have changed that much in 150 years.

Deep