As I sit here ready for the new year to begin, there are many thoughts floating around my head.
Excitement. Trepidation. Hope. Fear.
I've had weight loss successes before. I went to Diet Center (A local weight loss clinic in town) while I was in Jr. High and lost 20 pounds. I was a size 6 afterwards. After my second baby, I lost 50 pounds with Weight Watchers. I was a size 8 when I hit goal. I have had my moment to shine and feel triumphant. I also know it was because of a program I lost it. As soon as I was done with the program, it slowly came back. Every time. I have learned since, that programs, for me, don't work in the long term.
In 2009, for the first time in my life, I lost weight on my own. 40 pounds of weight was gone because of my efforts. No program. No help. Just me. Success has never been so sweet. Without making an official "weight loss" goal, I finished the year pretty close to where I need to be to have a healthy BMI. I was a size 10/12 and I was happy with my body for the first time in my life.
2010 wasn't so sweet. I started the year out strong, but slowly lost momentum. I thought about doing a 720 days of workout challenge, but decided to take Sundays completely off. It was for good reason, Sundays are a special day for me. Unfortunately, once you miss a day in a long streak, it's easy to make it two. The cycle then begins. I thought about doing another 365 day goal starting mid-year, but that didn't work. (Refer to my recent vlog where I discuss why) For me, I need to be a bit OCD with my goals or its easy for me to sabotage my efforts. I've learned this. It's how I roll.
I now end 2010 feeling like I never had a success at all. I had a very rough year, probably the toughest in my life and I took it out on myself. Writing was a wonderful, creative escape but I stopped working out when I started to write. Sometimes it was because I didn't want to take a break from writing, but mostly it's because I forgot to workout until it was midnight and too late to do it. (My husband needs to be up early and the elliptical is in our bedroom) Over time, poor eating habits returned and a few pounds were found before the holiday season began. By the time December came, I was in full blown binge mode. Right now I feel like I never made a change to begin with.
Weight loss efforts has such an ugly side. When making positive choices we are moving forward, learning, becoming better, it feels great. But once you have a weight problem caused by bad habits, those habits can so easily be found no matter how long time has elapsed. Especially when life gets challenging. I chose to put "Journey" in the name of this blog because that is exactly what it is. There really is no end. Constant vigilance needs to be there or we'll find ourselves in a place we don't want to be. That dark ugly place that is so familiar.
As I sit here, my pants feel tight and my body feels flabby. I can literally feel the newly formed fat on my legs.The thought of eating any sweets right now makes my stomach turn because the over-sugared, over-fill feeling is nauseating. I'm so sick of eating right now--the idea of a week long fast sounds inviting. Actually, my body would probably benefit from a good fast too.
I'm excited for 2011. It holds promise. I also start it somewhat ticked off at myself and determined to do better. I know I can do it, I've done it before. But there is always a fear in the back of my head. What if? I'm happy to say that I have pushed my what ifs to the back of my brain and ignoring them. I plan on getting up tomorrow and ending the day on the elliptical, doing my workout. I'm not going to focus on all the things I should do better like getting up earlier, eating better, planning better, spending less time on the computer, being outside more, etc. I'm only going to focus on one thing, my work outs. I know me. If I try to do too many changes at once, I will fail. Guaranteed. But if I focus on one thing, I know I can do it. Keep things simple and it's easier to make changes. That's my plan.
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