555

Tonight I watched the new A&E show, Heavy. Most of the reviews I've read by other bloggers weren't very positive, but I liked it. I wouldn't call it entertainment because it was difficult to watch. It wasn't really educational either because I already know how to lose weight. Yet I was compelled to watch it.

There was a woman that weighed 278 pounds and a man that weighed 555 pounds. I identified with the man because of his weight. I'm positive I have the propensity to weigh 555 pounds. My husband, friends and relatives all tell me I'm crazy to say I could weigh over 500 pounds. They really don't know me. They can't grasp how I view food. They don't understand the ongoing battle in my head about eating.

This is a conversation I had last night with my husband, Jack.

Me:  Do you ever eat just because you're bored or lonely or sad, but not really hungry?
Jack:  No. I eat when I'm hungry. Why would I eat if I wasn't hungry?
Me:  To make yourself feel better?
Jack:  How would eating food when I'm not hungry make me feel better?
Me:  I don't know. I was just wondering if you've ever done that before.
Jack:  No. Never.

No one really knows me when it comes to food. Not even the man I've been married to for almost 23 years. Most people in my life don't understand that I often eat when I'm not hungry. It just doesn't make sense to the normal person. I use it as a way to deal with stress and unpleasantness in my life. If I actually ate when I wanted, I would most likely be eating non-stop. It's a scary thought that I could very easily lose control with food.

I just have to take this a day at a time and continue the fight. 555 is a scary number and it's one I hope I never see.